The Chrisom One – A Tale of Eldritch Romance

The sad fact of the matter was that some people simply weren’t made for socializing. That was the case with Bridget, forever the outsider, disconnected from the world around her. She was mid-thirties thin, her wiry frame suggesting she wasn’t getting proper nutrition or exercise, and her skin was pale to the point of translucency because she spent the majority of her free time indoors, alone in her small Arkham, Massachusetts house with her nose buried in a book and lost in fantasy worlds where all her true friends existed.

The problem with living in a fantasy world was that it required constant fuel in order to keep the illusion fresh, which meant she was always on the hunt, combing through secondhand bookstores for that ever-elusive literary world that contained the answers to cure her loneliness forever. And in her most recent outing that was when she stumbled upon the book.

It was large, cold and clammy to the touch, and took both her hands to lift because it was heavier than a book of its size should have been. Bound in a thick black as night material that surely was not like any leather she had ever felt, its cover was adorned with strange, arcane symbols that seemed to shift and writhe under the light. She attributed this illusion to her tired eyes and a trick of the dim overhead fluorescent lights. When she opened the book, the pages were yellowed with age and covered in spidery handwriting that was barely legible and she was hit with a musty smell of old parchment and decay, like a tomb that has been sealed for centuries. That was all it took. Bridget made a beeline to the counter.

The shopkeeper behind the antiquated cash register was a portly, gray-haired man with a lined face that bore the traces of many years of hardship. His eyes were sharp and piercing, with a glint of intelligence and cunning that belied his weathered appearance.

“How much is this?” Bridget asked, handing over the book. “It doesn’t have a price sticker.”

The shopkeeper let out a barely audible grunt under the full weight of the book in his hands. “Where did you find this?”

“There’s a little book cart in the back,” Bridget pointed over her shoulder. “Next to the Self-Help section. It was on top of a pile of books.”

The shopkeeper first eyed her then eyed the book, turning it over and over in his hands, and eyed her again.

Bridget put on her best polite-bordering-on-friendly smile and attempted to bat her deep-set, expressive brown eyes that often seemed to be lost in thought or focused on something unseen. Then she began playing with her long, deep auburn curly hair, twirling locks around her index finger. She hadn’t actually understood the appeal of this action but remembered it worked to charm a man in a movie she once saw.

“Forty-five dollars,” the shopkeeper said, cocking an eyebrow and allowing the slightest smile to curl at the corners of his mouth.

Bookery Nookery was one of Bridget’s favorite haunts. She was in this rundown secondhand bookshop all the time, and she had a relationship of sorts with the shopkeeper, whose name she should have known but such was the life of an introvert, where they would haggle over the price of books. She knew he always started way too high and allowed her to negotiate him down to the price he was actually willing to sell the book in question.

“I’ll take it,” she said. Her rapid response caught her by surprise as much as the shopkeeper, judging by the stunned expression on his face.

***

Until she found this tome, Bridget was unaware just how fascinated she was with the unknown and the unknowable. And yes, she stopped referring to the grimoire as a mere book when it became increasingly difficult to handle, some of the pages even seemed to resist the touch of her hands. The spidery handwriting was dense and convoluted, often written in archaic languages and filled with obscure references to things that existed far beyond her ability to understand.

That hadn’t stopped her. The deeper she delved, the more she felt a growing sense of unease and dread but the alluring knowledge contained within the pages was irresistible. She became consumed by the pursuit of understanding the passages, her mind racing to keep up with the dense and impenetrable text.

Hours turned into days that became weeks and expanded to months as Bridget became more and more obsessed with scouring the internet and reading and re-reading about matters that existed beyond her comprehension, matters that began seeping into her dreams, causing waking nightmares and strange visions that she attempted to record but found impossible to put into words. She even slipped into the dark web in order to study ancient texts and explore forbidden places, seeking answers to the deepest questions of existence. She always felt as if there was something missing in her life, some deeper purpose or meaning that she couldn’t quite grasp.

Then, one day, she stumbled upon a key, an arcane Rosetta Stone that translated an obscure text in the tome that spoke of cosmic entities that lurked beyond the known universe. Her grimoire was written by a madman, dismissed by most scholars of his age as the ravings of a lunatic. But as she deciphered and read through its pages, something deep within her began to stir.

Bridget began spotting patterns and connections in the world around her that she never noticed before. She was definitely getting closer to something profound and transformative, and if only she could unlock the secret of a certain arcane sigil, she would be able to uncover the mysteries of the universe.

For weeks, she threw herself into her research, ignoring everything else in her life, even her job. Bridget locked herself away from society, barely slept or ate, poring over the ancient scrawling, desperate to decipher its meaning, driven by an unshakeable sense of purpose.

Unaware that sanity was the locking mechanism, the level of security that kept the human mind safe, Bridget pushed onward and with each section of text she was able to decode, she unwittingly set in motion the delicate process of manipulating the pins and levers inside her brain. And as she translated the final sigil, the last tumbler fell into place.

The air surrounding her grew thick and heavy, charged with a strange energy, and as the veil over her mind’s eye lifted, allowing her to peer into the deepest recesses of the universe, her sanity slipped away like shadows into shade and she barely even noticed.

This was a groundbreaking discovery, a secret that would change the course of human history, and so lost was she in her excitement that she missed the warning signs that something was very wrong.

Privy to things that no human was meant to see, Bridget caught glimpses of creatures of impossible size and shape that seemed to defy the laws of physics. And with each new revelation, reality twisted like a Rubik’s Cube around her. And when her mind began to tear up and sob uncontrollably, that was when she encountered the Chrisom One.

It appeared in her mind as a shifting, amorphous mass of shadows and mist, coalescing and dissipating in unpredictable ways. Its form was constantly changing, flickering between shapes and colors, though sometimes taking on a vaguely humanoid form, with long, spindly limbs and a head that shifted and twisted in impossible ways. Other times was more like a nebulous cloud, with tendrils of darkness and light swirling around a central core.

Bridget’s heart raced, her breath quickening, and she felt a wave of fear wash over her. Every muscle in her body tensed up, her hands shaking uncontrollably. And then, as if on cue, she felt a strange sensation in her lower abdomen, an urgent need to relieve herself.

She tried to hold it in, to stay composed and focused, but her body had other plans. The fear was so overwhelming that it triggered an involuntary response, a primal instinct to empty her bladder and bowels in a bid to shed the excess weight and flee the danger.

Trembling with embarrassment and horror, she tried to move away from the creature, but her legs wouldn’t obey. Her mind was consumed by the fear, by the realization that she was powerless against the entity’s terrifying presence. All she could do was wait for the inevitable, for this unholy beast to make its move, for her fate to be sealed.

“ܡܫܩܝܚܝܐ ܒܪܝܕܬ، ܐܢܐ ܐܝܟ ܟܪܣܘܡ ܐܚܪܝܢܐ. ܥܕܬܝܢܝ ܐܡܪ ܠܟ ܐܦ ܫܡܬܐ ܕܐܢܐ ܩܪܝܨܬ ܠܝܕܥܬܐ ܕܕܝܢܬܐ ܐܦܝܠܐ,” it said in Aramaic and Bridget recoiled from the entity’s voice echoing in her mind.

“I—I don’t understand you,” Bridget stammered. “And your voice…it’s too loud in my head…it hurts!”

“My apologies. It has been a while since I communicated with one of your kind,” it said, adjusting the intensity of its presence to an acceptable mortal level. “Welcome, Bridget Baxter, I am the Chrisom One. I have been watching you for some time now, and I am intrigued by your quest for knowledge.”

“What are you?” she asked, her voice trembling.

“I am…beyond,” the Chrisom One replied. “Your fear is thick, but unwarranted, for I mean you no harm. Your hunger for knowledge sets you apart from other mortals and you have the potential to grasp the deeper truths of the cosmos.”

Bridget found herself both intrigued and terrified by the Chrisom One’s words. “What do you want from me?” she asked.

“To guide you toward the knowledge that you seek,” the Chrisom One replied. “To show you the secrets of the universe, and help you achieve the enlightenment that you crave.”

Bridget hesitated for a moment, weighing her options. Even though she was certain this encounter would shred her mind further, she couldn’t resist the lure of the unknown.

“I want to see,” she said, her unsteady voice filled with determination. “Show me the secrets of the universe.”

And with those words, Bridget began a journey that would forever change her life.

She still had to study in order to process all she was being shown and when she fell asleep, exhausted after a long day of research, she found herself transported to bizarre and otherworldly places. It was in her dreams that the Chrisom One would appear to her in its form of shimmering unearthly light.

At first, Bridget was terrified, but as the dreams continued, she began to feel a sense of familiarity and even a strange comfort in the Chrisom One’s presence. Eventually she found herself opening up to the entity, sharing her hopes and fears, and listening as it spoke of the secrets of the universe.

Over time, their relationship deepened. Bridget would eagerly anticipate each new dream, eager to see the Chrisom One again and learn more of its mysteries. The cosmic entity, in turn, seemed to take a special interest in Bridget, guiding her toward the knowledge and enlightenment that it believed she was capable of achieving.

It was during one of these dreams that the pair shared a kiss. Bridget had been listening as the Chrisom One spoke of the infinite possibilities of the cosmos, and suddenly felt a surge of emotion she couldn’t explain. Without thinking, she leaned in with a soft, closed-mouth kiss before parting her lips slightly, inviting the Chrisom One to deepen the kiss. What passed for the Old One’s tongue entered her mouth, gently caressing Bridget’s tongue and exploring the inside of her mouth.

To her shame, Bridget hadn’t kissed many men in her life and hadn’t considered herself very good at it but the Chrisom One turned the kiss into a delicate dance, a tango of tongues and lips, a passionate embrace that set her heart ablaze. She leaned in and felt the heat of its breath on her skin, the anticipation building with every passing moment.

Her senses were alive with the unworldly taste and scent of this being that was older than anything she could imagine, the sweet warmth of its mouth as she explored the entity’s depths. Their hands roamed over each other’s bodies, seeking out every curve and contour, every ridge and dip. They pulled each other closer, their bodies pressed together in an embrace that ignited the flames of desire.

Passion surged within her like a wild river. Bridget lost herself in the moment, in the pleasure of the kiss, as if nothing else in the world mattered. And when it finally ended, she was left breathless, her heart racing, longing for more.

From that moment on, their relationship became more than just a strange and inexplicable connection between teacher and student. They would speak for hours, sharing their thoughts and emotions with each other in a way that Bridget had never experienced before. As they learned more about each other, she began to feel a sense of closeness and intimacy that was unlike anything she had ever known.

Of course, their relationship was far from simple. The Chrisom One’s true nature remained shrouded in mystery, and Bridget was never quite sure if it was truly capable of love in the way that humans understood it. And as their relationship deepened, Bridget continued to lose her grip on reality, consumed by her obsession with the entity and the power it represented.

Despite the darkness and danger that surrounded their love, Bridget and the Chrisom One were bound together by a connection that was both terrifying and beautiful. Their love was a force that defied the laws of the universe, a testament to the infinite possibilities of the cosmos.

But anyone who ever experienced love knew full well that it was a form of madness that ofttimes traveled hand in hand with obsession. Bridget’s once-logical mind was now clouded by jealousy and suspicion, leaving her unable to distinguish between reality and illusion. She could no longer ignore the nagging feeling that the Chrisom One was involved in multiple relationships, and that it had no true allegiance to her. The thought of losing the entity she had grown to love filled her with dread, driving her to desperate measures to keep it by her side.

Despite her inner turmoil, Bridget couldn’t let her suspicions consume her completely. She had to find a way to confront the truth about their relationship, no matter how painful it may be. And the way eventually presented itself in the form of an ancient incantation.

Fingers trembling with excitement, Bridget traced the strange symbols etched into the pages of the grimoire. She was taking a tremendous risk by confronting an Eldritch Old God but needs must when the Devil drives. Their relationship was either going to be transparent or it was going to be nothing at all.

She recited the incantation, her voice growing louder and more insistent with each passing moment. The air crackled with dark energy, as the portal to the unknowable plane of existence tore open before her very eyes. And then, with a surge of power, the Chrisom One appeared before her, its form twisting and writhing like an endless nightmare.

But as Bridget stood before the being she had come to love, she couldn’t help but feel a twinge of doubt. Was this truly the being she had longed for, or merely a twisted imitation of the creature she had conjured in her warped mind?

Sensing her hesitation, the Chrisom One stepped closer to her, its form radiating an aura of otherworldly power. Bridget felt a shiver run down her spine as the being coaxed her toward her bed, its ancient voice cooing dead language words of comfort and desire in her ear.

As they lay together, Bridget’s doubts and fears melted away, replaced by a deep sense of longing and fulfillment. The Chrisom One moved with a fluid grace, its touch reigniting the flames of passion she felt the very first moment they kissed.

Lost in the ecstasy of their lovemaking, Bridget was consumed by the power and majesty of the being she had summoned. But even as she surrendered to the Chrisom One’s embrace, a small voice in the back of her mind whispered that this could never truly be love, that their relationship was built on a foundation of madness and obsession.

As the final remnants of her sanity slipped away, Bridget was left with only the bitter knowledge that her love for the Chrisom One had come at a terrible cost, and her fate was now forever intertwined with that of an Eldritch being who was filling her with what passed for its love and absorbing her at the same time.

Laying there, awash in the creature’s unearthly energies, she realized with a sense of horror that she had been manipulated into opening a portal, allowing the Old Gods passage into the mortal realm. And her thanks? To be devoured by a creature that could no more be in love with her than she could be with an insect.

Despite her silent rebuke, Bridget felt the climax surging, her body responding to the being’s touch even as her mind screamed in protest. If she was to rid herself of this monstrosity that had consumed her so completely, she needed to act quickly.

Wrapping what was left of her feeble arms around the entity, Bridget pulled herself close, her mouth near to what passed for its ear. “My mistake was loving you, and your mistake was teaching me too much,” she whispered, her voice laced with bitter regret. And then, with a fierce determination, she began to recite a banishment incantation that was a part of her early lessons, her words ringing out with the power of ancient magic.

As the climax reached its peak, the Chrisom One shrieked and bellowed a string of curses in a language older than the known universe, its power in this plane of existence waning as the incantation took hold, sending the creature vanishing into the void from whence it came.

Bridget would have felt a surge of triumph if she was able to but incantations, even small ones, came at a cost and when the portal closed behind the Eldritch Old God, it used what was left of Bridget’s withered corpse as a seal to prevent it from ever reopening.

***

This should have been a cautionary tale, warning others of the dangers of obsession and the pursuit of forbidden knowledge, but Bridget was a loner and an introvert, so no one knew about the unassuming woman who grappled with the knowledge and forces beyond human understanding and control. A woman with an enormous sense of hope and wonder who nearly came to grips with the enormity of the universe, and with the power of love was shown to be capable of triumphing over even the most incomprehensible forces of the universe.

Wherever Bridget Baxter’s soul now resides, may in forever live in peace.

13 for Halloween: 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Cthulhuian Daughter (audio)

Cthulhu

Hello, Brave Young Suitor

So, your plan is to court my daughter, is it? Please, step inside freely and of your own will. Once I have taken your coat, please make your way to the sitting room and help yourself to some refreshments. Be uninhibited and eat to your heart’s content. Gluttony is not frowned upon in this house. Neither is avarice or wrath, but you will discover all this if you make it past the vetting process.

What was that? My daughter never informed you that her father and I intend to determine if you qualify to date the precious fruit of our loins? Her mistake. And yours, if you are not afraid. Our daughter is an extension of us and if you underestimate us then you are definitely underestimating her.

Do not be an underestimator.

The rules are simple and as follows:

One.

On the table to the right you will find three forms, one for consent, the second a waiver, and the final a non-disclosure. These must be read fully, initialed in the appropriate fields and signed and dated with the pen provided. When using the pen for the first time, some suitors have complained of a sharp pain in their writing hand. That is quite normal, I assure you. It is simply the pen’s piston converter filling device tapping an artery, as you will be signing in your own blood.

Two.

My husband will administer a unique personality test. Please endeavor to answer all the questions contained within truthfully as The Great Old Ones know when you lie and their retribution shall be swift and merciless. Be aware that we will not be accepting applicants who score below “Severely Aberrated.” Standards must be kept.

Three.

You will be escorted to a subterranean cavern and descend six thousand steps to a pit, seated with a shoggoth and made to read the Necronomicon – fleshbound volumes are available for purchase in my library for the insanely low price of your firstborn – front to back and back to front. You will do this aloud and the shoggoth will ask you questions at the end of each section to ensure proper comprehension.

Shoggoths are shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles. They are also extremely sensitive about their appearance. Avoid commenting on their faintly self-luminous skin, and the myriad temporary eyes that form and un-form like pustules. This is for your own safety as they are extremely hungry, and they are not herbivores.

Four.

You shall be put through your paces. I will endeavor to push you past the limits of your physical endurance while simultaneously quizzing you to determine your intelligence quotient. Your hormones will be set out of balance and your psyche unraveled, dissected and scrutinized to ensure that you are a suitable suitor. Not to fear. I will reassemble you in the exact manner in which I found you.

More or less.

You have signed a waiver, after all.

Five.

If you have completed the tests successfully, you will join the ranks of prospective suitors at a ceremony in the deep woods, where you will battle one another under the supervision of a protean deity whose name you will have committed to memory by that point.

Important to note: if the idea of death, evisceration, and dining on the organs of slain foes makes you feel even the slightest bit uneasy, perhaps you are not the proper match.

Six.

Once you emerge victorious, and hopefully whole, you must leave old puny mortal faiths by the wayside and choose a new path. Our daughter prefers the Esoteric Order of Dagon, while her father and I are partial to the Church of Starry Wisdom, but there are others, such as the Brothers of the Yellow Sign, the Cult of the Skull, Chorazos Cult, the Cult of the Bloody Tongue, and so on. Do not be swayed by any of us. The choice is yours.

Nothing involving aliens and volcanoes, though.

Seven.

You must take a blood vow to serve my daughter, though the path will surely lead you into the depths of insanity. You pledge to sacrifice yourself without question in order to continue her existence, if called upon to do so. And you swear to take her hand in yours and spread the entropy until you revive the ancient, powerful deities who once ruled the Earth from their deathlike sleep and bring the Great Elder God back in power.

This is non-negotiable.

Eight.

You are finally free to date. And since we realize in modern society sexual activity amongst adolescents has become a commonality, her father and I fully support this. The only proviso we have is that should a union occur, you shall not spill your seed. Nor shall you engage in any sort of contraception. We require younglings.

Our ranks are thinning.

Signature x:_________________

Welcome to the family!

What Dreams May Come — Journaling Your Sleep Inspired Stories

“Even today I keep a Dream Journal. It’s whatever’s going on in my subconscious, or things from dreams or even interesting items that pop into my head. I have thousands of pages of notes which I hope someday will turn into stories, or movies.” — Clive Barker

I had the craziest dream last night—which is why you’re reading this—more lucid than any dream I can remember having for quite a while now. It was strangely reminiscent of World War Z—the Brad Pitt movie, not the far superior book—where I was trying to make my way to Washington, DC to avert a catastrophe brought about by the government shut down and hot on my trail was a dinosaur assassin. And not just any dinosaur assassin, THE dinosaur assassin. Only the best is hired to bring about the expedient demise of yours truly. Yeah, I know… it’s a dream, gimme a break here.

Anyhoo, when I woke up—before the dinosaur pulled the trigger—I did something I hadn’t done in a long time: I dusted off the old dream journal.

I’ve been dream journaling for a number of years, mainly to collect source material for future writings but I soon discovered that exploring my dreams in this fashion helped me connect with different dimensions of myself, mainly the way my subconscious communicated with my conscious mind through metaphor and emotion.

And I know at least one of you is going to come at me with, “Well, that’s great for you, but I can’t keep a dream journal because I don’t dream.

That is so not the case.

Everyone dreams—with the exception of those suffering from extreme psychological disorders—even the blind. A good thing, too, as studies show that dreams help prevent psychosis. The bad part is that upon waking, half of your dream evaporates from your memory within 5 minutes and 90% is gone by the 10-minute mark.

Is dream journaling for you? Well, I think it’s an interesting experiment that’ll cost you no more than a few minutes a day, a notebook and a pen. All you need to do is capture the dream when you wake up. Hell, you can even keep a voice recorder by your bed and dictate everything you recall. And if you have a hard time remembering it, one mnemonic trick is to go through the alphabet and assign a word for each letter. You’ll be surprised how many times this will actually jog your memory. And the more you do it, the stronger your intention, the stronger your connection becomes.

If you do decide to explore your dreams and nightmares in order to pull yourself out of a creative rut and get cracking on a brand new piece of writing, you would be in good company. The following famous books were inspired when the authors’ bodies were at rest and their minds were at play:

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson: This horror classic sprang into existence because of Stevenson’s graphic nightmares. In this case, a “fine bogey tale” tormenting him as he slept grew into one of the most famous and genuinely scary English-language novels ever penned — most especially considering its all-too-human antagonist and protagonist.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley: After the death of her 12 day old daughter, the heartbroken Mary Wollstonecroft Godwin dreamt of her child coming back to life after being massaged near a fire. She wrote about it in the collaborative journal she kept with her husband-to-be, Percy Bysshe Shelley, which grew into one of the most iconic, influential horror novels of all time.

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Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach: This story initially sprung from Richard Bach’s daydreams of a drifting seabird. In fact, he could only finish the original draft following another series of subconscious visions.

Misery by Stephen King: While dozing off on a flight to London, King found inspiration in a chilling nightmare about a crazed woman killing and mutilating a favorite writer and binding a book in his skin.

Stuart Little by E.B. White: The tiny boy with the face and fur of a mouse sauntered into White’s subconscious in the 1920s, though he didn’t transition from notes to novel until over two decades later.

Twelve Stories and a Dream by H.G. Wells: The title says it all. “A Dream of Armageddon,” sprouted from a dream that speculated on the dangerous directions in which mankind’s technology could ultimately lead it.

“Kubla Khan” from Christabel by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: Coleridge, woke one morning after having a—-believed to be opium induced—-fantastic dream. He transcribed his vision in a dream in the form of the now famous poem. 54 lines in, he was interrupted by a Person from Porlock and when he returned to the poem, he couldn’t remember the rest of his dream and thus the poem was never completed.

H.P. Lovecraft’s Works: Lovecraft pulled much of his inspiration from the vivid nightmares he suffered most nights. A shock to anyone? In particular, the novels and short story featuring the Great Old Ones drew themselves from the more twisted corners of his subconscious.

Book of Dreams by Jack Kerouac: A book that does as it says on the tin. Kerouac kept and published a book comprised entirely of his dreams, spanning from 1952 to 1960 and starring characters from many of his other works.

The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer: In Meyer’s own words, the dream “was two people in kind of a little circular meadow with really bright sunlight, and one of them was a beautiful, sparkly boy and one was just a girl who was human and normal, and they were having this conversation. The boy was a vampire, which is so bizarre that I’d be dreaming about vampires, and he was trying to explain to her how much he cared about her and yet at the same time how much he wanted to kill her,”

Fantasia of the Unconscious by D.H. Lawrence: Lawrence so perfectly maps out dream experiences and explains their importance and inspiration in such great detail it edges out any other competing works.

The Apprenticeship of Big Toe P by Reiko Matsuura: Adapted from Matsuura’s most unusual dream, the novel tells the story of a woman who wakes up with a penis for a toe and explores gender identity and relations.

And before the Sandman returns to slip me another Mickey Finn, here are a few additional interesting factoids about dreams:

  • Your mind doesn’t create faces for the strangers in your dreams. Each one is an actual person you’ve encountered, even if only briefly. Your noggin is a mug book filled with hundreds of thousands of faces.
  • You don’t dream when you snore.
  • People who quit smoking have more vivid dreams.
  • While asleep, your body is virtually paralyzed.
  • The real world invades your dreams through sounds, scents, and bodily sensations.
  • Toddlers don’t dream about themselves until they’re at least 3 years old.
  • Children from 3 to 8 years old usually have more nightmares than adults.
  • You’re more likely to remember your dreams vividly if you’re awakened out of REM sleep.

Sally forth and be dream-storyingly writeful.

— Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys

8 Simple Rules For Dating My Cthulhuian Daughter

Cthulhu

Hello, Brave Young Suitor

So, your plan is to court my daughter, is it? Please, step inside freely and of your own will. Once I have taken your coat, please make your way to the sitting room and help yourself to some refreshments. Be uninhibited and eat to your heart’s content. Gluttony is not frowned upon in this house. Neither is avarice or wrath, but you will discover all this if you make it past the vetting process.

What was that? My daughter never informed you that her mother and I intend to determine if you qualify to date the precious fruit of our loins? Her mistake. And yours, if you are not afraid. Our daughter is an extension of us and if you underestimate us then you are definitely underestimating her.

Do not be an underestimator.

The rules are simple and as follows:

One.

On the table to the right you will find three forms, one for consent, the second a waiver, and the final a non-disclosure. These must be read fully, initialed in the appropriate fields and signed and dated with the pen provided. When using the pen for the first time, some suitors have complained of a sharp pain in their writing hand. That is quite normal, I assure you. It is simply the pen’s piston converter filling device tapping an artery, as you will be signing in your own blood.

Two.

My wife will administer a unique personality test. Please endeavor to answer all the questions contained within truthfully as The Great Old Ones know when you lie and their retribution shall be swift and merciless. Be aware that we will not be accepting applicants who score below “Severely Aberrated.” Standards must be kept.

Three.

You will be escorted to a subterranean cavern and descend six thousand steps to a pit, seated with a shoggoth and made to read the Necronomicon – fleshbound volumes are available for purchase in my library for the insanely low price of your first born – front to back and back to front. You will do this aloud and the shoggoth will ask you questions at the end of each section to ensure proper comprehension.

Shoggoths are shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles. They are also extremely sensitive about their appearance. Avoid commenting on their faintly self-luminous skin, and the myriad temporary eyes that form and un-form like pustules. This is for your own safety as they are extremely hungry, and they are not herbivores.

Four.

You shall be put through your paces. I will endeavor to push you past the limits of your physical endurance while simultaneously quizzing you to determine your intelligence quotient. Your hormones will be set out of balance and your psyche unraveled, dissected and scrutinized to ensure that you are a suitable suitor. Not to fear. I will reassemble you in the exact manner in which I found you.

More or less.

You have signed a waiver, after all.

Five.

If you have completed the tests successfully, you will join the ranks of prospective suitors at a ceremony in the deep woods, where you will battle one another under the supervision of a protean deity whose name you will have committed to memory by that point.

Important to note: if the idea of death, evisceration, and dining on the organs of slain foes makes you feel even the slightest bit uneasy, perhaps you are not the proper match.

Six.

Once you emerge victorious, and hopefully whole, you must leave old puny mortal faiths by the wayside and choose a new path. Our daughter prefers the Esoteric Order of Dagon, while her mother and I are partial to the Church of Starry Wisdom, but there are others, such as the Brothers of the Yellow Sign, the Cult of the Skull, Chorazos Cult, the Cult of the Bloody Tongue, and so on. Do not be swayed by any of us. The choice is yours.

Nothing involving aliens and volcanoes, though.

Seven.

You must take a blood vow to serve my daughter, though the path will surely lead you into the depths of insanity. You pledge to sacrifice yourself without question in order to continue her existence, if called upon to do so. And you swear to take her hand in yours and spread the entropy until you revive the ancient, powerful deities who once ruled the Earth from their deathlike sleep and bring the Great Elder God back in power.

This is non-negotiable.

Eight.

You are finally free to date. And since we realize in modern society sexual activity amongst adolescents has become a commonality, her mother and I fully support this. The only proviso we have is that should a union occur, you shall not spill your seed. Nor shall you engage in any sort of contraception. We require younglings.

Our ranks are thinning.

Signature x:_________________

Welcome to the family!

Text and Audio ©2014 – 2021 Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys

What Dreams May Come — Journaling Your Sleep Inspired Stories

“Even today I keep a Dream Journal. It’s whatever’s going on in my subconscious, or things from dreams or even interesting items that pop into my head. I have thousands of pages of notes which I hope someday will turn into stories, or movies.” — Clive Barker

I had the craziest dream last night—which is why you’re reading this—more lucid than any dream I can remember having for quite a while now. It was strangely reminiscent of World War Z—the Brad Pitt movie, not the far superior book—where I was trying to make my way to Washington, DC to avert a catastrophe brought about by the government shut down and hot on my trail was a dinosaur assassin. And not just any dinosaur assassin, THE dinosaur assassin. Only the best is hired to bring about the expedient demise of yours truly. Yeah, I know… it’s a dream, gimme a break here.

Anyhoo, when I woke up—before the dinosaur pulled the trigger—I did something I hadn’t done in a long time: I dusted off the old dream journal.

I’ve been dream journaling for a number of years, mainly to collect source material for future writings but I soon discovered that exploring my dreams in this fashion helped me connect with different dimensions of myself, mainly the way my subconscious communicated with my conscious mind through metaphor and emotion.

And I know at least one of you is going to come at me with, “Well, that’s great for you, but I can’t keep a dream journal because I don’t dream.

That is so not the case.

Everyone dreams—with the exception of those suffering from extreme psychological disorders—even the blind. A good thing, too, as studies show that dreams help prevent psychosis. The bad part is that upon waking, half of your dream evaporates from your memory within 5 minutes and 90% is gone by the 10-minute mark.

Is dream journaling for you? Well, I think it’s an interesting experiment that’ll cost you no more than a few minutes a day, a notebook and a pen. All you need to do is capture the dream when you wake up. Hell, you can even keep a voice recorder by your bed and dictate everything you recall. And if you have a hard time remembering it, one mnemonic trick is to go through the alphabet and assign a word for each letter. You’ll be surprised how many times this will actually jog your memory. And the more you do it, the stronger your intention, the stronger your connection becomes.

If you do decide to explore your dreams and nightmares in order to pull yourself out of a creative rut and get cracking on a brand new piece of writing, you would be in good company. The following famous books were inspired when the authors’ bodies were at rest and their minds were at play:

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson: This horror classic sprang into existence because of Stevenson’s graphic nightmares. In this case, a “fine bogey tale” tormenting him as he slept grew into one of the most famous and genuinely scary English-language novels ever penned — most especially considering its all-too-human antagonist and protagonist.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley: After the death of her 12 day old daughter, the heartbroken Mary Wollstonecroft Godwin dreamt of her child coming back to life after being massaged near a fire. She wrote about it in the collaborative journal she kept with her husband-to-be, Percy Bysshe Shelley, which grew into one of the most iconic, influential horror novels of all time.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach: This story initially sprung from Richard Bach’s daydreams of a drifting seabird. In fact, he could only finish the original draft following another series of subconscious visions.

Misery by Stephen King: While dozing off on a flight to London, King found inspiration in a chilling nightmare about a crazed woman killing and mutilating a favorite writer and binding a book in his skin.

Stuart Little by E.B. White: The tiny boy with the face and fur of a mouse sauntered into White’s subconscious in the 1920s, though he didn’t transition from notes to novel until over two decades later.

Twelve Stories and a Dream by H.G. Wells: The title says it all. “A Dream of Armageddon,” sprouted from a dream that speculated on the dangerous directions in which mankind’s technology could ultimately lead it.

“Kubla Khan” from Christabel by Samuel Taylor Coleridge: Coleridge, woke one morning after having a—-believed to be opium induced—-fantastic dream. He transcribed his vision in a dream in the form of the now famous poem. 54 lines in, he was interrupted by a Person from Porlock and when he returned to the poem, he couldn’t remember the rest of his dream and thus the poem was never completed.

H.P. Lovecraft’s Works: Lovecraft pulled much of his inspiration from the vivid nightmares he suffered most nights. A shock to anyone? In particular, the novels and short story featuring the Great Old Ones drew themselves from the more twisted corners of his subconscious.

Book of Dreams by Jack Kerouac: A book that does as it says on the tin. Kerouac kept and published a book comprised entirely of his dreams, spanning from 1952 to 1960 and starring characters from many of his other works.

The Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer: In Meyer’s own words, the dream “was two people in kind of a little circular meadow with really bright sunlight, and one of them was a beautiful, sparkly boy and one was just a girl who was human and normal, and they were having this conversation. The boy was a vampire, which is so bizarre that I’d be dreaming about vampires, and he was trying to explain to her how much he cared about her and yet at the same time how much he wanted to kill her,”

Fantasia of the Unconscious by D.H. Lawrence: Lawrence so perfectly maps out dream experiences and explains their importance and inspiration in such great detail it edges out any other competing works.

The Apprenticeship of Big Toe P by Reiko Matsuura: Adapted from Matsuura’s most unusual dream, the novel tells the story of a woman who wakes up with a penis for a toe and explores gender identity and relations.

And before the Sandman returns to slip me another Mickey Finn, here are a few additional interesting factoids about dreams:

  • Your mind doesn’t create faces for the strangers in your dreams. Each one is an actual person you’ve encountered, even if only briefly. Your noggin is mug book filled with hundreds of thousands of faces.
  • You don’t dream when you snore.
  • People who quit smoking have more vivid dreams.
  • While asleep, your body is virtually paralyzed.
  • The real world invades your dreams through sounds, scents, and bodily sensations.
  • Toddlers don’t dream about themselves until they’re at least 3 years old.
  • Children from 3 to 8 years old usually have more nightmares than adults.
  • You’re more likely to remember your dreams vividly if you’re awakened out of REM sleep.

Sally forth and be dream storily writeful.

— Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys