Welcome back to the Infobahn Chronicle Channel! My name is Kari R. Wade and I’m coming to you live from the internet with our ongoing discussion regarding dating. Tonight’s topic: Deal breakers.
We all have’ em. You know, the things that are absolute turn-offs even if they come wrapped in the prettiest packages.
I have several and they’re all fairly obvious:
- Cruelty to kids
- Liars (I won’t deal with them, but it takes me damn near forever to spot those sons-of-bitches!)
- People incapable of forming a logical argument (although I might keep them around for a laugh, because, you know, they’re fun to tease)
What about you? What are yours? What about a person would make you immediately cut them out of your prospective mates/friends list without a doubt?
And we have our first caller. Go ahead, you’re on the air:
BMWbird: Deal breakers? Here we go:
Atheists. Anyone carrying on about Christianity and how it’s irrational (read whining). Anything other than heterosexual males who were born (and stayed) males. Anyone who’s “experimented” with anyone of the same sex. Anyone who’s poly anything. Anyone who’s status is anything other than completely single. Anyone who’s against monogamy. Anyone who thinks marriage is nothing more than a paper contract (read people who are happy to shack up for life). Anyone who’s racist. Anyone with more than 1 kid (and even that’s pushing it). Anyone who’s for abortion (read excuse for not taking responsibility for the potential outcome of having sex).
cherrie_pi: Deal breakers: Super religious (of any variety), lack of compassion for the earth and all its creatures (including humans), lacking a sense of humor, conservative politics, liars, and hypocrites.
Cindyplex: Cherrie, is that for ALL friends, or just potential mates? I get the feeling you won’t like me much. No big deal. Not everyone can be buddies. But notice there is overlap. Just curiosity though, how do you feel about Mr. Conservative, Barry Goldwater?
cherrie_pi: @Cindy – Real (US) “conservatives” are people with whom one can debate and disagree, but they still believe in following the Constitution and laws. The current batch of NeoCons are hardly “conservative”. I bought and read John Dean’ Conservatives Without Conscience, and read Paul Craig Roberts’ columns all the time. Goldwater (at the time) was far too conservative; now he would be seen as a moderate. Sad, truly sad.
Whippets: My dbs:
Extreme cockiness: Not to be confused with self-confidence (bringing this up before someone else does). It’s one thing to have good self-esteem, it’s another to be extremely cocky to the point where you won’t pay attention to anything that doesn’t have ‘you’ in the equation.
Imposing beliefs: Having an opinion is nice. Intellectual discourse and good conversation/debate are also healthy. However, trying to force your beliefs on me is not. I don’t like anyone who tries to give me ultimatums on how I need to live my life. Fear tactics, anger, and this type of behavior will make me lose any/all respect for you. I’ve made my choices about things in life, and while they may change, that’s solely at my discretion. I don’t impose my beliefs on others, I expect the same respect in return.
Drama: If you can’t talk out an issue with me in a respectful manner, constantly start arguments, bring my personal business into my workplace/family life/friends, start tantrums, cry, make small issues big ones etc.. I won’t have time for you. I understand that arguments can occur, and problems do happen at times: I don’t need it as a constant thing.
Clingyness: Anyone who is clingy to the point where they can’t let me breathe. I need to have my free time, interests, life and space.
Being close-minded: I understand if someone’s not into certain aspects. If you can’t respect certain facts about me (I’m an atheist and vegetarian), then I really want nothing to do with you. Like I said before, I don’t impose my beliefs on others, I expect the same thing in return (I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian or not btw).
Animal Abuse: If you don’t love/respect animals it’s just not going to happen: This is a serious deal breaker for me. I’m spending all my time in college in order to help animals. It’s my passion – you break an animal in any way and I break your face.
Lying: If you can’t be honest with me, then there’s no reason to be dating. Be direct and honest. I extend this courtesy to everyone. I was already lied to by my ex in the worse possible manner: I REFUSE to ever go through that again.
Intelligence/Curiosity: I like people who like to discuss topics/ideas. You don’t need to be Einstein, just have an interest in discussion once in a while.
BMWbird: Add to list of deal breakers…those who think they are too grownup to just be silly on occasion… and who think I should get rid of my stuffed animal collection…
The stuffies have held me together through watching J. die, they are my buddies. But would “they” also argue with my collection of medieval hand weapons?
woofwoof: “and who think I should get rid of my stuffed animal collection…” You admit that here? Watch out! I agree with you though. Childish is uncool. Childlike is a requirement.
BMWbird: I’m not sure I could or even *should* come up with such a list; it’s a rather cut and dried proposition. I’ve reached a point in my life where I really evaluate each person as an individual without drawing immediate lines in the sand.
It’s difficult to have an extremely high enemy score with me at this site given the number of questions for whom I made my matches’ response “irrelevant.” If I could think of even one friend or past lover who exhibited that quality or belief, I could not in good faith denounce it.
That’s not to say I don’t have a strong moral compass or personal ethics, for I do. But I would have missed out on some fascinating people in my life if I had immediately discarded them when we didn’t agree on something, even if it was somewhat important.
Example – cherrie and I have little common ground when it comes to politics. I think geography and life experience play strongly into our present views. Politics is important to me – anyone that isn’t a bit worried about this next election and the 4 years to come isn’t paying attention – but I’d miss out on so much about her that is wonderful if I were to dismiss her friendship over politics. We could talk for hours about music and countless other things over coffee, and leave Goldwater out of the conversation 🙂
People also make mistakes – it’s what we do. I want to try to give others the benefit of the doubt and hope they can extend the same courtesy to me. There are hot button areas that will get someone on my red flag list very quickly, though:
Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion
Pure cruelty to others – I have my own schadenfreud, but there is a limit on what’s funny vs what’s just outright cruel. Applies to animals as well as fellow humans
Intolerance – I’m a live and let live person for the most part as long as the above two points don’t come into play.
NailedSalon: being an Italian guido. you know the kind… with the nasty gelled hair, thinking they’re the shit. ew. EW.
Monkeypants: “Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion”
I will discriminate over things you have control over. I don’t think people have much control over those that you listed. But being out of shape? I will pick the person with a min amount of fitness and discriminate quite openly against a person for their choices. I will discriminate against drug abusers, drunks, and the willfully ignorant.
How does that thought grab you?
BMWbird: “But I would have missed out on some fascinating people in my life if I had immediately discarded them when we didn’t agree on something, even if it was somewhat important.”
There are 7,000,000,000 people in the world. By spending time with someone who you don’t have a lot to earn from apparently, you are taking away from the time you can spend with others.
“being an Italian guido. you know the kind… “
Ha! I have a buddy like that. Great guy when he is off the crack. But it’s like watching a cartoon or something. Women either love the guy, or despise him. I would say that if I was a woman, I would stay FAR away. But he and his current are a pretty cool couple.
You will notice that I did not, in fact, list attributes over which one has the ability to change. I should include age in there, given the views of some on these forums.
I understand where you’re coming from on the examples you give here. After making major steps to improve my personal health and fitness level (You haven’t even seen the true befores – they are not on FB), I find it hard to not be negative about those that won’t make a similar investment in their futures. I’ve caught myself being very judgmental since then about the lazy and obese, especially when I was at the beach last week.
Watching a 90lb 3 year-old eating fries, ice cream and hot dog(s) with a big soda (while sitting with bikini-clad 400lb mom) incensed me. Mom doesn’t respect herself, but she has now endangered her child. That’s a problem.
But I let myself get to almost 200 because I made grad school and two jobs a higher priority over my own health, so I feel it’s hypocritical for me to pass judgment on others without knowing the whole story. Seeing them eat ring dings while riding in a cart at Walmart is pretty damning, however.
Willful ignorance (see above) is also on my short list, but life is too short to call these people out. What I am finding is that by unabashedly exhibiting the qualities I find most virtuous and good in myself, this draws others to me (and vice versa) that share those views. Those that don’t tend to stay away – live and let live. Doesn’t always work in the virtual world, however. Pretty effective in the real one though.
And in response to your other point – if I didn’t learn from them, I did indeed move on. The differences helped to broaden my world view. Again, life is to short.
Fonzisgrrl: @Monkeypants – I think some of these things are factor in on a case-by-case basis. Without understanding the entire backstory, it’s hard for me to place a discriminatory thought on someone for their problems.
I have no list; I have no pre-conditions. There are probably some types of people who are more likely to be partner material than others, but even that isn’t definitive.
ImPrecious: Individual basis for me, besides huge things like “touches children sexually,” “is abusive”, or “is a Bears fan.”
I agree with the sentiment that if I write someone off for petty things, I could be missing out on a good friend. I lean to the conservative right, several of my friends (including my 2 best friends) are both staunchly liberal left.
I think it’s childish to make a list of superficial things and say “if you do any of these, I don’t like you NYAH NYAH!”
Zamboni: “Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion”. Yeah ok, isn’t that pretty much everybody? Are there a lot of bigots on this site?
Mine is long online dating profiles, I am willing to accept pretty much anything (well except that discrimination thing), but I am just not going to read a really long profile.
Easypickens: There are a lot of bigots everywhere. Cut them from your life, an let them know their attitude is unacceptable. Well, if they say they are gay… that’s pretty much a deal breaker!
Sportyspice21: @Zamboni – There are plenty of bigots and homophobes on this site. I don’t really interact with them, nor have any of them comes across as datable/friendable for other reasons. Hasn’t really been an issue.
Fonzisgrrl: Apparently middle aged, overweight white guys are a deal breaker for a lot too.
Cindyplex: Being middle aged male and white is not a handicap. In fact, I think them a distinct advantage. Overweight yes, but that is curable.
BMWbird: ^^ No, I just think there is an influx of men that meet that description on this site to compete against.
“Being middle aged male and white is not a handicap.” TRUE, I think that in the non-cyber world we live in, those attributes are actually an attractive thing!
Sportyspice21: Some friends asked me last week about prejudice against Christians? What’s up with that? I was thinking, “Intolerance of the intolerant? That’s called political correctness, isn’t it?”
Hey, how about political freedom instead of political correctness? Let each to his own? A revolutionary thought there. Would I tolerate a biker not liking gays? yah. Would I tolerate a gay not liking bikers? yah.
Each to his own, including what he does or doesn’t like.
But then, guess I wouldn’t ever be PC with that sort of non-judgmental
attitude, wood eye?
Cindyplex: “Would I tolerate a biker not liking gays? yah. Would I tolerate a gay not liking bikers? yah.” No, and yes. Being gay and being a biker are not the same. One is a choice, one isn’t.
And you do have freedom. You can be whatever you wish to be. But you MUST accept that others are going to judge you for your choices. You don’t get to whine about how it isn’t fair and how being PC is wrong.
Fonzisgrrl: I really don’t like political apathy. I don’t understand people who don’t vote. I don’t understand the view that politics are a “waste of time”. Voting is a dealbreaker. You have to vote.
Angiepanda: I live in DC, which doesn’t have a Representative or a Senator and where Obama will crush McCain like a bug. I can see people in this city thinking its a waste of time, not saying I agree with them, but I can see it.
Cindyplex: Back to deal breakers…that’s mostly it. I’m not keen on people who see things in black or white, everyone can be reformed. That’s why on all those bleeding match questions that ask ‘would you consider dating…’ I answer yes, because, sure, I’ll consider it, might not do it though.
That said, racist & xenophobic, sexist, homophobic & fundamentally religious are likely to fail. And that’s partly due to the often accompanying narrow-mindedness, which leads to long lists of deal breakers. Liars might be difficult to reform, mind, as are boring people only interested in the superficial.
Hah, the list gets longer, I’m in self parody. Almost.
Fonzisgrrl: Some girls list so many ‘deal breakers’ in their ‘message me if’ sections it’s quite dispiriting. Mind you, they’ve probably been inundated if they’re even vaguely attractive, such is the numbers imbalance. It does seem to make a lot of the girls passive though. Especially in this country.
And that’s about all we have time for tonight. What an interesting debate and it’s a shame we have to leave it but even though the broadcast has ended that doesn’t mean the conversation has to stop.
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This is me, Kari R. Wade, thanking you and wishing you nothing but the best from the bottom of my heart. Remember you’re magnificent no matter what they write about you on the bathroom walls! Good Night!
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