Hello, Brave Young Suitor
So, your plan is to court my daughter, is it? Please, step inside freely and of your own will. Once I have taken your coat, please make your way to the sitting room and help yourself to some refreshments. Be uninhibited and eat to your heart’s content. Gluttony is not frowned upon in this house. Neither is avarice or wrath, but you will discover all this if you make it past the vetting process.
What was that? My daughter never informed you that her father and I intend to determine if you qualify to date the precious fruit of our loins? Her mistake. And yours, if you are not afraid. Our daughter is an extension of us and if you underestimate us then you are definitely underestimating her.
Do not be an underestimator.
The rules are simple and as follows:
One.
On the table to the right you will find three forms, one for consent, the second a waiver, and the final a non-disclosure. These must be read fully, initialed in the appropriate fields and signed and dated with the pen provided. When using the pen for the first time, some suitors have complained of a sharp pain in their writing hand. That is quite normal, I assure you. It is simply the pen’s piston converter filling device tapping an artery, as you will be signing in your own blood.
Two.
My husband will administer a unique personality test. Please endeavor to answer all the questions contained within truthfully as The Great Old Ones know when you lie and their retribution shall be swift and merciless. Be aware that we will not be accepting applicants who score below “Severely Aberrated.” Standards must be kept.
Three.
You will be escorted to a subterranean cavern and descend six thousand steps to a pit, seated with a shoggoth and made to read the Necronomicon – fleshbound volumes are available for purchase in my library for the insanely low price of your firstborn – front to back and back to front. You will do this aloud and the shoggoth will ask you questions at the end of each section to ensure proper comprehension.
Shoggoths are shapeless congeries of protoplasmic bubbles. They are also extremely sensitive about their appearance. Avoid commenting on their faintly self-luminous skin, and the myriad temporary eyes that form and un-form like pustules. This is for your own safety as they are extremely hungry, and they are not herbivores.
Four.
You shall be put through your paces. I will endeavor to push you past the limits of your physical endurance while simultaneously quizzing you to determine your intelligence quotient. Your hormones will be set out of balance and your psyche unraveled, dissected and scrutinized to ensure that you are a suitable suitor. Not to fear. I will reassemble you in the exact manner in which I found you.
More or less.
You have signed a waiver, after all.
Five.
If you have completed the tests successfully, you will join the ranks of prospective suitors at a ceremony in the deep woods, where you will battle one another under the supervision of a protean deity whose name you will have committed to memory by that point.
Important to note: if the idea of death, evisceration, and dining on the organs of slain foes makes you feel even the slightest bit uneasy, perhaps you are not the proper match.
Six.
Once you emerge victorious, and hopefully whole, you must leave old puny mortal faiths by the wayside and choose a new path. Our daughter prefers the Esoteric Order of Dagon, while her father and I are partial to the Church of Starry Wisdom, but there are others, such as the Brothers of the Yellow Sign, the Cult of the Skull, Chorazos Cult, the Cult of the Bloody Tongue, and so on. Do not be swayed by any of us. The choice is yours.
Nothing involving aliens and volcanoes, though.
Seven.
You must take a blood vow to serve my daughter, though the path will surely lead you into the depths of insanity. You pledge to sacrifice yourself without question in order to continue her existence, if called upon to do so. And you swear to take her hand in yours and spread the entropy until you revive the ancient, powerful deities who once ruled the Earth from their deathlike sleep and bring the Great Elder God back in power.
This is non-negotiable.
Eight.
You are finally free to date. And since we realize in modern society sexual activity amongst adolescents has become a commonality, her father and I fully support this. The only proviso we have is that should a union occur, you shall not spill your seed. Nor shall you engage in any sort of contraception. We require younglings.
Our ranks are thinning.
Signature x:_________________
Welcome to the family!
MADD FICTIONAL 
This is definitely a SWIPE LEFT situation. Going out with a member of the Addams Family is less complicated and better for your overall health than entering into this contract.
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So, swiping left is a bad thing? You’re dealing with a Boomer here. You need to catch me up on all the current lingo. Do the kids still say “razzamatazz”, “23 skidoo” and “I’ll kiss ya later, I’m eatin’ a potato”? Inquiring minds want to know.
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If you’d rather eat a potato than kiss me, the relationship would be seriously over, pal!
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But what if it was a really good potato, loaded with triple bacon and everything?
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Ok, you never mentioned triple bacon…
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Pretty eyes, no problem with a green girl but she’s got squid mouth……how do you make out?
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Very carefully. And kissing isn’t the only thing you have to concern yourself with…if you catch my drift **nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say no more**
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If you’re into calamari I guess she isn’t so bad.
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Tentacle-play ranks high on certain adult websites (not that I have firsthand knowledge, mind you, I’ve just heard rumors).
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LOL! Yeah right! Show us your search history, I dare you!
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You are not getting me into trouble, young lady (besides, I know how to browse incognito)
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This could cause an aneurysm. If this guy is still sitting there after point one, then he definitely deserves what’s coming at him. I would like to say that each and every point is cringeworthy and a complete gory mess. Imagine having to go through this to date someone. I’d say RUN! And forget about that damn coat.
Simply brilliant, Rhyan! 🙂
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Hmmm, I suppose it all depends on who you are. When you’re beautiful, the world is your oyster, and the opportunities to find romance are endless. This also applies if you are not so physically attractive but make up for it with an abundance of charisma.
For the rest of us, we face the tough choice of living and dying alone, or making sacrifices and adjustments in order to find love. And, though most won’t admit it openly, we all have a kink, and said kink might be found within these eight simple rules.
Sometimes one never knows until they try.
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Rhyan, you are very charming, dear sir. And so am I. Now who are ‘the rest of us’….
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Very charitable of you to try to include me in your elite circle, love, but I. Am. The. Rest. Of. Us.
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“Nothing involving aliens and volcanoes, though.”
That got a literal LOL. Loved that! If it were me, I would’ve respectfully exited after reading point one. Nothing good ever comes from signing in one’s blood.
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Cheers, Tom, I’m glad you got the reference (you never know what people pick up on these days)
Me and L. Ron’s gang go way back. No love lost between us. If I had to choose between them, I’d be making out with the Cthulhuian chick.
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Dang! that says something if you’re willing to attempt that make out session over the CoS gang hahaha
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Lost a friend to those bastards. They have a thing called “Disconnection” where a brainwashed follower has to cut ties with anyone deemed to be antagonistic towards the CoS, and I’m about as antagonistic as they come.
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Sure sign of a cult. Damn man, I’m sorry. That sucks.
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Well, where there’s life there’s hope. People have been known to come to their senses and return to normal society. Fingers crossed.
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Love this!
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Thank you!
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“Our ranks are thinning.”
Well, with all those fights in the woods and those hungry non-vegetarian entities is not difficult to believe.
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True and with the advent of the internet and knowledge of the rules being spread globally, it’s becoming more difficult to find fresh meat.
Cheers for the comment, Nina!
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It’s has been a pleasure 🙂
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