Popular belief has it that the universe is comprised of atoms. In reality, the universe is actually made up of…
“If you want your life to be better, you need to take action to begin the process of transitioning into a more positive state of being,” the therapist said.
John mulled over this piece of advice and decided since he enjoyed preparing food above all else in the world, he would tackle his current problem the same way he would a complicated meal, so he wrote:
Recipe To End A Sibling Rivalry
1 Treasure Map (rendered as detailed as possible on parchment or a leaf of crumbling yellowish-brown pulp paper to add authenticity)
1 Fantastic Tale based on a local urban legend detailing the account of some nefarious criminal who needed to bury their ill-gotten riches while evading authorities (don’t make the story too far-fetched and be sure to include the fact that the criminal met their untimely demise before retrieving the loot or revealing its location)
1 Gullible sibling
1 Sports drink
1 Lighter or book of matches
Approach the gullible sibling in a frantic state, babbling about the urban legend and how you came to be in possession of the map and invent a sense of urgency (ie. someone else made a copy of the map–make it someone your sibling despises–and they’re gathering supplies to head to the location at this very moment). Grab your sibling, the lighter, the sports drink and the shovel and set off. Follow the map directions until you reach the X, where you will discover a hole roughly 36 inches wide by 8 feet long and 6 feet deep (some prep work is involved in the fact that you will need to dig the hole ahead of time).
Exclaim, “Oh no! That bastard got here before us! Did they leave anything behind by mistake? Maybe something fell and they didn’t notice it?” (rephrase this to make it sound authentic to the way you speak, naturally). When your sibling peers into the hole, grip the shovel like a baseball bat and follow the instructions Mel Gibson gave to Joaquin Phoenix in the movie, Signs and “Swing away, Merrill!”
With your sibling situated in their new resting place, fill the hole as quickly as possible. When completed, burn the map entirely and scatter the ashes, consume the sports drink to replenish your electrolytes and return home confident in the knowledge that you are Daddy’s favorite, now.
The two things John forgot to add to the recipe instructions were to burn the recipe as well and not discard the empty sports drink bottle containing his DNA at the gravesite, mistakes that eventually led to his arrest.