Teenage life certainly comes with its unique set of challenges; from managing schoolwork to curfews, there’s already plenty on your plate. But what if a stranded extraterrestrial was added into the mix? Suddenly, navigating high school becomes a lot more complicated. Luckily for you, you know me, the man with the plan for every weird occasion, and today we’ll explore the best strategies for keeping your interstellar friend hidden from your parents and maintaining some semblance of normalcy.

1. Establish Ground Rules: Before you begin your super-secret mission of extraterrestrial concealment, you’re going to need to establish some ground rules with your new friend. If they understand your language, discuss the importance of remaining hidden and the potential consequences of being discovered. If they don’t speak your language, show them the FOX Alien Autopsy video and point aggressively at them during the dissection scene. They’ll get the message.
2. Choose a Secure Hideout: Select a safe and discreet location where your extraterrestrial friend can stay. It could be a basement, attic, the As-Seen-On-TV junk closet (after that stuff gets purchased, no one ever touches it), or even a treehouse. Ensure it’s easily accessible to you but unlikely to be stumbled upon by your parents.
3. Maintain Regular Routines: Consistency is key. Stick to your regular routines as much as possible. Attend school, complete chores, and engage in typical activities to divert suspicion. A sudden change in behavior might raise eyebrows.
4. Create Distractions: Craft clever distractions to divert your parents’ attention. Engage them in conversations or activities that keep them occupied, giving you opportunities to slip away and spend time with your otherworldly companion. If that doesn’t work, ask them graphic questions about the birds and the bees, really graphic and discuss your growing need for some alone time. True, they’re adults and don’t know as much as your wisened teenage self, but they’ll catch on.
5. Utilize Technology: If your extraterrestrial friend is tech-savvy, use technology to your advantage. Set up communication systems that allow you to stay connected without raising suspicions. But be cautious—tech glitches could lead to unintended revelations. And avoid probes. Aliens are into probing, big time, which could be painful in the end (see what I did there?).
6. Befriend the Unlikely Allies: Forge alliances with siblings or friends who can provide cover when needed. Having someone to vouch for your whereabouts can be invaluable if your parents start asking questions. Bribery works. Blackmail works even better.
7. Employ Misdirection: Subtle misdirection can work wonders. Drop hints about new hobbies, interests, or commitments that might explain your absences. Just make sure your explanations are plausible and consistent. And if that fails, revert back to birds and the bees talk, but this time ask your parent how it applies to them, and then ask them for a demonstration. They’ll steer clear of you for sure for a while.
8. Coordinate with Your Extraterrestrial Friend: Communication is essential between you and your otherworldly companion. Keep each other informed about your daily schedules and plans. This way, you can avoid unexpected encounters.
9. Prepare for Close Calls: Despite your best efforts, close calls are inevitable. Have a contingency plan in place for when things go awry. Know where to hide at a moment’s notice and how to handle unexpected situations.
10. Stay Calm and Confident: In moments of crisis, maintain your composure. Confidence can go a long way in convincing your parents that everything is business as usual.

Keeping your extraterrestrial friend hidden requires creativity, quick thinking, and impeccable timing. While it might seem daunting, the bond you share with your new friend will make the challenge worth it. With determination, a bit of ingenuity, and a dash of luck, you’ll master the art of maintaining your double life and safeguarding your out-of-this-world secret.

Ah, puberty. That magical time in life when acne blooms, hormones rage, and voices crack. But for a select few, puberty is a bit hairier than for the average teen. We’re talking about werewolf puberty, of course. It’s like normal puberty, but with an extra helping of fangs and fur. In this article, we’ll explore how to navigate this supernatural coming-of-age with grace, humor, and maybe even a silver lining.

1. Embrace the Hair

Let’s face it: werewolf puberty is going to be a hairy experience. No amount of waxing or shaving will keep the fur at bay. So, what’s a teenage werewolf to do?

• Invest in lint rollers: Trust us, you’ll need them. Keep a lint roller in your backpack, your locker, and your bathroom. Embrace your inner werewolf and make peace with the fur.
• Find a good barber: Regular haircuts and trims will be your new best friend. Remember, it’s not about hiding your new werewolf identity; it’s about grooming and taming the beast within.

2. Manage Your Mood Swings

We all know teenagers are prone to mood swings, but werewolf teens take it to a whole new level. Here’s how to keep your inner wolf from howling at the moon:

• Practice mindfulness: Werewolf or not, mindfulness techniques can help you manage mood swings and stay grounded. Try deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to keep your inner beast at bay.
• Channel your energy: Use your newfound werewolf strength and agility to your advantage. Join a sports team, take up parkour, or hit the gym. Physical activity is a great way to burn off excess energy and keep your mood in check.

3. Make the Most of Your Heightened Senses

Werewolf puberty isn’t all doom and gloom. In fact, there are some perks to becoming a supernatural creature:

• Enjoy your enhanced taste buds: Werewolves have a heightened sense of taste. This means that you’ll be able to appreciate the finer nuances of your mom’s lasagna or your favorite pizza joint like never before.
• Sharpen your listening skills: With your newly amplified hearing, you’ll be able to hear whispers from across the room or eavesdrop on juicy gossip. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility. Don’t abuse your werewolf privileges.

4. Build Your Support Network

Navigating werewolf puberty can be a lonely endeavor, but it doesn’t have to be. Surround yourself with friends and family who understand and support your new identity:

• Join a pack: Seek out others like you. Whether it’s a support group for supernatural teens or an online forum, connecting with fellow werewolves can help you feel less isolated.
• Educate your human friends: While they may not understand exactly what you’re going through, your human friends can still provide valuable emotional support. Plus, who doesn’t need a good wingman when you’re trying to score a date for the full moon dance?

5. Accept Your New Reality

Finally, the most important tip for dealing with werewolf puberty is acceptance. Embrace your new identity and all the challenges and joys that come with it.

• Stay positive: Focus on the perks of being a werewolf and the unique experiences that come with it.
• Keep your sense of humor: Laughter is the best medicine, even for werewolves. Learn to laugh at your hairy predicaments and find humor in the absurdity of it all.

So there you have it, folks. Werewolf puberty might be a wild, furry ride, but with the right mindset and support, it can also be an unforgettable adventure. Embrace your inner beast, and remember that every werewolf has to grow up sometime. By following these tips, you’ll not only survive werewolf puberty, but you might even come out on the other side with a few hilarious stories to tell and a newfound appreciation for the supernatural side of life.

In the end, just remember that werewolf puberty is a phase, and like all phases, it will eventually come to an end. So, enjoy the ride, keep your chin up, and remember: you’re not alone in this hairy situation. With a little luck and a lot of lint rollers, you’ll make it through werewolf puberty and emerge as a stronger, more self-assured individual – fur, fangs, and all.

If you’ve got kids, you don’t need me to tell you that parenthood is a rollercoaster of emotions, ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous. And just when you thought you had seen it all, you stumble upon your precious little princess necking with a vampire. Before you start sharpening stakes and rewatching “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” take a deep breath and read on. I’ve got some tips for navigating this uncharted territory.

Step 1: Assess the Situation

First things first, it’s essential to determine if you’ve actually caught your daughter with a genuine vampire or if you’re dealing with an overly enthusiastic “Twilight” fan. Here’s a quick checklist:

• Pale skin? (Check.)
• Fangs? (Check.)
• Aversion to sunlight? (Check.)
• Sparkling under the sun? (Uh, maybe just a Twilight fanboy.)

Step 2: Keep Calm and Carry Garlic

Resist the urge to freak out. Remember, your daughter’s taste in romantic partners could be worse—she could be dating a werewolf. (Just think of the shedding.) Instead, keep your cool and approach the situation with a healthy dose of skepticism and humor.

• Casually mention your newfound interest in garlic farming.
• Start wearing turtleneck sweaters at all times to set a good example.
• Offer to host a family movie night featuring “Nosferatu” or “Interview with the Vampire.”

Step 3: Have “The Talk”

No, not that talk—you’ve probably already covered that one. We mean the “So, you’re dating a vampire” talk. Gather your wits and sit down for an honest conversation with your daughter.

• Discuss the challenges of dating a vampire: the immortality gap, dietary restrictions, and the need for blackout curtains.
• Ask about the vampire’s family. Do they have any notorious ancestors you should be aware of? (Count Dracula, anyone?)
• Bring up the importance of consent. Just because they’re immortal doesn’t mean they can bite without permission.

Step 4: Set Some Ground Rules

As a responsible parent, it’s your job to establish boundaries to ensure your daughter’s safety (and keep your neck intact). Consider implementing the following rules:

• No biting before marriage (or at least until college).
• Curfew still applies, even if the boyfriend can only go out at night.
• Garlic bread is non-negotiable at family dinners.

Step 5: Embrace the Silver Lining

Sure, dating a vampire isn’t every parent’s dream, but it’s not all doom and gloom. In fact, there are some perks to this supernatural relationship:

• Your daughter will learn valuable life skills, like how to remove bloodstains from clothing.
• She’ll become a master of negotiation as she navigates the complexities of immortality.
• You’ll finally have a reason to invest in that beautiful antique coffin you’ve always wanted.

So, there you have it. A five-step guide to dealing with your daughter’s nocturnal necking habits. Remember, while the situation might seem dire (and a little weird), it’s crucial to maintain your sense of humor and approach the matter with a healthy dose of sarcasm. After all, if your daughter has fallen for a vampire, you’ll need all the wit you can muster to survive eternity with your new undead in-law.

The Ultimate Solution to Loneliness?

It’s a Saturday night, and you find yourself sitting on the couch, surrounded by empty takeout containers, binge-watching yet another TV series. Your cat gives you that judgmental look, as if saying, “Really? You need a life.” Suddenly, an idea strikes you: what if you could create your own best friend? Enter the homegrown clone: the perfect solution to your social woes, or perhaps just a more efficient way to harvest organs. Let’s explore this brave new world of self-replication.

Pros: Friendship Redefined

• Double the fun: You and your clone share the same taste in movies, food, and questionable fashion choices. Think of all the delightful conversations you’ll have, discussing the finer points of ’90s sitcoms or arguing over the best pizza toppings (you’ll still never agree on pineapple, though).
• Camaraderie in chores: Say goodbye to the dread of tackling that mountain of laundry or the sink full of dishes. With your clone at your side, even the most mundane tasks become a bonding experience.
• Delegation of duties: Why attend that dreadful family gathering when your clone can do it for you? You’ll never have to endure Aunt Marge’s endless monologues about her cats again. Just remember to coach your clone on the subtle art of nodding and smiling.

Cons: Spare Parts Galore

• Organ donation on-demand: As much as your clone might be your new best friend, they also come with an additional perk: a veritable treasure trove of spare parts. Kidneys, lungs, heart – it’s like having your own personal organ warehouse! Just make sure you return the favor when they need a hand…or a liver.
• Identity crisis: Who’s the original, and who’s the copy? You might find yourself grappling with existential questions, as you and your clone start to wonder if you’re really two distinct individuals or just variations of the same person. Deep stuff.
• Jealousy: What if your clone turns out to be a better you? They might take up yoga, eat healthier, and actually finish writing that novel you’ve been working on for years. You may find yourself feeling envious of your own creation – talk about a plot twist!

What’s the Verdict?

So, do the benefits of having a homegrown clone outweigh the potential drawbacks? That depends on how much you value companionship, your willingness to share your identity, and your level of comfort with the idea of pilfering organs from your newfound buddy.

In the end, the choice is yours: either embrace the opportunity to befriend your doppelgänger, or prepare for the inevitable ethical quandaries that come with owning a walking, talking spare parts depot.

Remember: cloning may seem like the perfect solution to your social life’s shortcomings, but it’s not without its complications. After all, who needs a homemade best friend when you can always adopt another cat? They may judge you, but at least they won’t steal your organs.

Disclaimer

The author does not endorse or condone the creation of homegrown clones for the purposes of organ harvesting or any other nefarious activities. Always consult your moral compass and local laws before embarking on any cloning endeavors. And if you’re feeling lonely, try joining a book club or taking up salsa dancing – you never know who you might meet!

I thought adolescence was hard enough, but try dealing with a tentacled monstrosity at the dinner table.

Meet the Family

You know how they say you can’t choose your family? Well, my situation takes the cake. I always knew my stepdad was a bit… different, but I never realized just how different until he morphed into an indescribable mass of writhing tentacles and otherworldly moans right in front of me.

The Reveal

It all started when I walked into the living room and found my mom chatting with a… thing that had a face only a mother could love. Actually, scratch that – not even a mother could love that face. She introduced it as my new stepdad, an Eldritch Terror from the depths of R’lyeh. And that’s when I knew my life would never be the same again.

Adjusting to the New Normal

Living with an Eldritch Terror has its challenges. Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of the top five joys of having a stepdad from another dimension:

1. Dinner time: Forget about pizza and burgers. My stepdad prefers his meals raw, slimy, and still squirming. And you haven’t lived until you’ve tried to eat spaghetti while being stared down by a Lovecraftian monstrosity.
2. Movie night: Say goodbye to Marvel movies and rom-coms. My stepdad’s idea of a blockbuster hit is a film that features unspeakable horrors that warp your mind and leave you questioning your own existence. Fun times!
3. Parent-teacher conferences: When your stepdad’s mere presence causes your teachers to question their sanity, you can bet your grades will take a hit. On the bright side, I’ve never had to worry about being grounded for a bad report card.
4. Household chores: Vacuuming around a writhing mass of tentacles is no easy feat, but at least my stepdad helps with the dishes – although I’m pretty sure he just devours the leftover food along with the plates.
5. Bedtime stories: Remember those warm and fuzzy bedtime stories that lulled you to sleep? Well, forget about them. My stepdad’s stories are filled with cosmic dread, existential despair, and the slow, inevitable march of entropy. Sweet dreams!

The Silver Lining

But hey, life with an Eldritch Terror isn’t all doom and gloom. There are some upsides, too:

• No need for a guard dog: Burglars take one look at my stepdad and run for the hills. Who needs a Rottweiler when you’ve got an ancient being that strikes fear into the hearts of men?
• Conversation starter: When you casually mention your stepdad’s otherworldly origins, you instantly become the life of the party. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hear about the day-to-day struggles of living with a creature that defies all logic and reason?
• Perspective: My stepdad may be an eldritch abomination, but at least he’s not a deadbeat dad. And let’s be honest, haven’t we all met worse monsters in human form?

Embracing the Chaos

So there you have it, folks – life with an Eldritch Terror for a stepdad isn’t exactly a walk in the park, but it does make for some unforgettable stories. Sure, my life may be a constant battle against madness and despair, but at least it’s never boring.

But seriously, if you see Cthulhu at the PTA meeting, don’t be alarmed. Just offer him some calamari and he’ll be your best friend – or, at the very least, he won’t devour your soul on the spot.

Family Therapy and Beyond

You might be wondering, “How does a family like this stay together without going completely insane?” Well, we tried family therapy, but most therapists tend to lose their grip on reality after a few sessions. So, we’ve learned to cope in our own ways.

Mom, for example, has taken up painting to express herself – though her artwork now leans heavily towards the abstract, featuring swirling vortexes of cosmic chaos. As for me, I’ve found solace in writing sarcastic articles about my life. It’s my way of staying grounded in this topsy-turvy world.

Lessons Learned

In the end, having an Eldritch Terror for a stepdad has taught me some valuable life lessons:

• Acceptance: Sometimes, you just have to roll with the punches and accept the absurdity of life.
• Resilience: If I can survive dinner with a tentacled horror, I can handle anything life throws my way.
• Empathy: Everyone has their own unique struggles, and it’s important to be understanding and supportive, even if their problems seem otherworldly.

So, if you ever find yourself face-to-face with a cosmic monstrosity, just remember: you’re not alone. And hey, at least it makes for one hell of a conversation starter.

As explained in my previous post, I participate in Twitter hashtag games, and bulk those tweets up for Instagram…and sometimes they’re too big. So, instead of deleting them, I decided to post them here.

Original Tweet (the prompt was the word #villian):

Children’s laughter echoed through the abandoned playground, but as the sun set and darkness fell, their joy turned to fear. For they knew that the villainous ghost of a long-dead lollipop man still lurked at the crosswalk, waiting to claim its next victim.

The too large for Instagram remix:

Oakwood Primary School was once a bustling institution, filled with the laughter and happiness of children during their lunch breaks. The playground was their sanctuary; a place where they could forget about their worries and just be kids. Swings swayed rhythmically while slides glistened under the sun’s warmth, serving as a testament to the joyous atmosphere. But when twilight approached, the sun dipped below the horizon, and shadows extended their tendrils, the playground’s innocence evaporated, replaced by a chilling sense of dread.

Legend had it that the playground was haunted by the ghost of a lollipop man, Mr. Jenkins, who met his untimely demise many years ago. In life, he had been a beloved figure in the community, known for his gentle spirit and infectious smile. However, death had twisted his once-kind soul into a malevolent force, hellbent on exacting revenge on the living.

Skeptical at first, the children of Oakwood dismissed the eerie tales as nothing more than an elaborate hoax, an attempt to spook the gullible young ones. Yet, as they bore witness to inexplicable events occurring in the playground, their disbelief turned into spine-tingling horror. Swing seats swayed menacingly, as if pushed by unseen hands, while slides emitted tortured creaks and groans. The children were forced to confront the chilling reality that something sinister was afoot.

It was on a particularly gloomy evening when they saw him. The spectral figure of Mr. Jenkins, clad in his trademark yellow vest, lurked in the shadows, his once-beaming face contorted into a terrifying snarl. His eyes, illuminated with an eerie glow, seemed to bore into their very souls. Panic-stricken, the children fled, vowing never to venture into the playground after dark.

But youthful curiosity is a powerful force, and despite the palpable terror, some couldn’t resist the allure of seeking out the ghostly lollipop man. Their defiance would prove to be their undoing. One by one, they vanished without a trace, claimed by the malevolent spirit. The community was plunged into a state of abject despair as hope for their safe return dwindled.

Desperate to end the nightmarish ordeal, the school closed the playground, cordoning off the area and prohibiting entry. But it was all in vain, for the ghostly figure continued to haunt the desolate space, awaiting his next unsuspecting prey.

Today, Oakwood Primary School’s playground stands as a forsaken monument to terror and tragedy. Overgrown weeds choke the once-pristine slides and swings, and an eerie silence pervades the air. It remains a constant reminder of the malevolent spirit that lingers in the shadows, the ghostly lollipop man whose eternal wrath knows no bounds. The community lives in perpetual fear, knowing that should anyone dare to cross the threshold into the haunted playground, they too shall succumb to the sinister fate that befell those who came before them.