Can You Meet My Conditions?

You tell me that you love me and desire nothing more than to be with me, but I must make you understand that entering into a relationship with me is a job you must be on call for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, regardless of prior personal commitments, non-life-threatening illnesses, and sensitive family matters including death. You must be highly trained in a form of self-defense, be in excellent physical condition, and be ready at a moment’s notice to defend not only my life but my honor as well.

I only date the very best of the best, and my dating pool is so elite that less than 20 percent of all potential suitors are excepted for training, and only a fraction of them make the grade to become applicants. Applications are submitted to my parents, and to have their applications accepted, potential suitors must be highly motivated and disciplined, and possess a strong history of long-term infidelity-free dating, as well as an immaculate husbandly appearance.

If appointed, a potential suitor is assigned to one of my aides for a 2 week training period where they will be trained on the particulars that will be expected of them, which includes following strict rules, training guidelines, and the need for complete dedication and commitment to the relationship.

The training cycle is intense, consisting of a series of 5 exhaustive tests over 6 to 12 months. These tests focus on ceremonial performance, wardrobe preparation, and knowledge. If the potential suitor completes the training cycle and passes the tests, they are able to flawlessly conduct 7 different types of ceremonies, meet the highest standards of small talk preparation in a variety of subjects and recite 35 pages of my background and family history without error.

The successful suitor is awarded the title of Inamorato, and will be from then on referred to as my consort. To understand how serious this is to be, the title of Inamorato can be revoked for any act that brings disrespect to myself or my family. If this happens, charges will be filed, remuneration will be sought, and an active attempt will be made to ruin your life forever.

Do you still find me attractive?

14 responses to “Can You Meet My Conditions?

  1. I don’t know about you but I’d give it a go, why not? What have I got to lose besides my reputation and future financial security? But if I land the gig I’m sorted for life! Get in!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You have stolen the pearl from the oyster’s mouth. This is a brilliant piece of writing. I was totally entertained and drained reading the terms and conditions and the training requisites. And the so on and so forth and all the hazards and risks involved. And yes the passing around of information and the recitation of family background and history.
    All for a title that could be revoked at any time with repercussions of its own.
    Yes, I think she is quite attractive for a crazy witch.
    Your imagination has taken a free fall and you deserve many congratulations. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or both. And please tell me that there is another such story that can be quoted here.
    Wonderful and well done! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • This is actually an excerpt from a larger science fiction story about a princess who loses a bodyguard (who was more like a father; busy regal parents, and all that jazz) during an attempt on her life, and never wanting to put anyone’s life in danger again, she trains to become her own bodyguard, and she’s actually quite good at it. But she still has to perform all the ceremonial functions and needs the man at her side to be loyal and able to hold his own in a firefight.

      If interested, another excerpt can be found here.

      You are an incorrigible flatterer and I’m running out of ways to say thank you for the compliments, so a simple “Thank you” will have to suffice.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Do you still find me attractive?”

    “Sweetheart, I was amused two sentences in, but I swiped left in my mind shortly after that. Thanks for the fun. You’ve a nice ass and a pretty face, I’ll give you that. Good luck in your hunt for the best of the best lapdog.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Couldn’t agree with you more. I’m not even dedicated to myself to that degree. To her credit, she is royalty (not stated here, but implied) and you have to admit it’s one hell of a response to a declaration of love, guaranteed to put off the average guy on the make, and make grifters work for the wealth and prestige they hope to steal.

      Cheers for the compliment!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Isn’t it fascinating how we create worlds and characters and backgrounds that for the sake of the story at hand don’t get divulged? Like the royalty thing. Just think that’s fascinating. My pleasure on the props, I mean it. 😎👍🏻

        Liked by 1 person

      • I wish I could take credit for creating a backstory for the character solely based on this post, but the reality is this is actually an excerpt from a larger story in which her character is fully explored. But thanks for the compliment, anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

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