Tag Archives: online dating

So What’s The Deal With Deal Breakers?

Posted by Madd_Fictional on

Welcome back to the Infobahn Chronicle Channel! My name is Kari R. Wade and I’m coming to you live from the internet with our ongoing discussion regarding dating. Tonight’s topic: Deal breakers.

We all have’ em. You know, the things that are absolute turn-offs even if they come wrapped in the prettiest packages.

I have several and they’re all fairly obvious:

  1. Racism
  2. Sexism
  3. Cruelty to kids
  4. Liars (I won’t deal with them, but it takes me damn near forever to spot those sons-of-bitches!)
  5. People incapable of forming a logical argument (although I might keep them around for a laugh, because, you know, they’re fun to tease)

What about you? What are yours? What about a person would make you immediately cut them out of your prospective mates/friends list without a doubt?

And we have our first caller. Go ahead, you’re on the air:

BMWbird: Deal breakers? Here we go:

Atheists. Anyone carrying on about Christianity and how it’s irrational (read whining). Anything other than heterosexual males who were born (and stayed) males. Anyone who’s “experimented” with anyone of the same sex. Anyone who’s poly anything. Anyone who’s status is anything other than completely single. Anyone who’s against monogamy. Anyone who thinks marriage is nothing more than a paper contract (read people who are happy to shack up for life). Anyone who’s racist. Anyone with more than 1 kid (and even that’s pushing it). Anyone who’s for abortion (read excuse for not taking responsibility for the potential outcome of having sex).

cherrie_pi: Deal breakers: Super religious (of any variety), lack of compassion for the earth and all its creatures (including humans), lacking a sense of humor, conservative politics, liars, and hypocrites.

Cindyplex: Cherrie, is that for ALL friends, or just potential mates? I get the feeling you won’t like me much.  No big deal. Not everyone can be buddies.  But notice there is overlap. Just curiosity though, how do you feel about Mr. Conservative, Barry Goldwater?

cherrie_pi: @Cindy – Real (US) “conservatives” are people with whom one can debate and disagree, but they still believe in following the Constitution and laws.  The current batch of NeoCons are hardly “conservative”.  I bought and read John Dean’ Conservatives Without  Conscience, and read Paul Craig Roberts’ columns all the time. Goldwater (at the time) was far too conservative; now he would be seen as a moderate. Sad, truly sad.

Whippets: My dbs:

Extreme cockiness: Not to be confused with self-confidence (bringing this up before someone else does).  It’s one thing to have good self-esteem, it’s another to be extremely cocky to the point where you won’t pay attention to anything that doesn’t have ‘you’ in the equation.

Imposing beliefs: Having an opinion is nice.  Intellectual discourse and good conversation/debate are also healthy.  However, trying to force your beliefs on me is not.  I don’t like anyone who tries to give me ultimatums on how I need to live my life.  Fear tactics, anger, and this type of behavior will make me lose any/all respect for you.  I’ve made my choices about things in life, and while they may change, that’s solely at my discretion.   I don’t impose my beliefs on others, I expect the same respect in return.

Drama: If you can’t talk out an issue with me in a respectful manner, constantly start arguments, bring my personal business into my workplace/family life/friends, start tantrums, cry, make small issues big ones etc.. I won’t have time for you.  I understand that arguments can occur, and problems do happen at times:  I don’t need it as a constant thing.

Clingyness: Anyone who is clingy to the point where they can’t let me breathe.  I need to have my free time, interests, life and space.

Being close-minded: I understand if someone’s not into certain aspects.  If you can’t respect certain facts about me (I’m an atheist and vegetarian), then I really want nothing to do with you.  Like I said before, I don’t impose my beliefs on others, I expect the same thing in return (I don’t care if you’re a vegetarian or not btw). 

Animal Abuse: If you don’t love/respect animals it’s just not going to happen: This is a serious deal breaker for me.  I’m spending all my time in college in order to help animals.  It’s my passion – you break an animal in any way and I break your face.

Lying: If you can’t be honest with me, then there’s no reason to be dating. Be direct and honest. I extend this courtesy to everyone. I was already lied to by my ex in the worse possible manner: I REFUSE to ever go through that again.

Intelligence/Curiosity: I like people who like to discuss topics/ideas. You don’t need to be Einstein, just have an interest in discussion once in a while.

BMWbird: Add to list of deal breakers…those who think they are too grownup to just be silly on occasion… and who think I should get rid of my stuffed animal collection…

The stuffies have held me together through watching J. die, they are my buddies.  But would “they” also argue with my collection of medieval hand weapons?

woofwoof: “and who think I should get rid of my stuffed animal collection…” You admit that here? Watch out! I agree with you though. Childish is uncool. Childlike is a requirement.

BMWbird: I’m not sure I could or even *should* come up with such a list; it’s a rather cut and dried proposition. I’ve reached a point in my life where I really evaluate each person as an individual without drawing immediate lines in the sand.

It’s difficult to have an extremely high enemy score with me at this site given the number of questions for whom I made my matches’ response “irrelevant.” If I could think of even one friend or past lover who exhibited that quality or belief, I could not in good faith denounce it.

That’s not to say I don’t have a strong moral compass or personal ethics, for I do. But I would have missed out on some fascinating people in my life if I had immediately discarded them when we didn’t agree on something, even if it was somewhat important.

Example – cherrie and I have little common ground when it comes to politics. I think geography and life experience play strongly into our present views. Politics is important to me – anyone that isn’t a bit worried about this next election and the 4 years to come isn’t paying attention – but I’d miss out on so much about her that is wonderful if I were to dismiss her friendship over politics. We could talk for hours about music and countless other things over coffee, and leave Goldwater out of the conversation 🙂

People also make mistakes – it’s what we do. I want to try to give others the benefit of the doubt and hope they can extend the same courtesy to me. There are hot button areas that will get someone on my red flag list very quickly, though:

Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion

Pure cruelty to others – I have my own schadenfreud, but there is a limit on what’s funny vs what’s just outright cruel. Applies to animals as well as fellow humans

Intolerance – I’m a live and let live person for the most part as long as the above two points don’t come into play.

NailedSalon: being an Italian guido.  you know the kind… with the nasty gelled hair, thinking they’re the shit.  ew.  EW.

Monkeypants: “Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion”

I will discriminate over things you have control over.  I don’t think people have much control over those that you listed.  But being out of shape?  I will pick the person with a min amount of fitness and discriminate quite openly against a person for their choices. I will discriminate against drug abusers, drunks, and the willfully ignorant.

How does that thought grab you?

BMWbird: “But I would have missed out on some fascinating people in my life if I had immediately discarded them when we didn’t agree on something, even if it was somewhat important.”

There are 7,000,000,000 people in the world.  By spending time with someone who you don’t have a lot to earn from apparently, you are taking away from the time you can spend with others.

“being an Italian guido.  you know the kind… “

Ha!  I have a buddy like that.  Great guy when he is off the crack. But it’s like watching a cartoon or something.  Women either love the guy, or despise him. I would say that if I was a woman, I would stay FAR away.  But he and his current are a pretty cool couple.

You will notice that I did not, in fact, list attributes over which one has the ability to change. I should include age in there, given the views of some on these forums.

I understand where you’re coming from on the examples you give here. After making major steps to improve my personal health and fitness level (You haven’t even seen the true befores – they are not on FB), I find it hard to not be negative about those that won’t make a similar investment in their futures. I’ve caught myself being very judgmental since then about the lazy and obese, especially when I was at the beach last week.

Watching a 90lb 3 year-old eating fries, ice cream and hot dog(s) with a big soda (while sitting with bikini-clad 400lb mom) incensed me. Mom doesn’t respect herself, but she has now endangered her child. That’s a problem.

But I let myself get to almost 200 because I made grad school and two jobs a higher priority over my own health, so I feel it’s hypocritical for me to pass judgment on others without knowing the whole story. Seeing them eat ring dings while riding in a cart at Walmart is pretty damning, however.

Willful ignorance (see above) is also on my short list, but life is too short to call these people out. What I am finding is that by unabashedly exhibiting the qualities I find most virtuous and good in myself, this draws others to me (and vice versa) that share those views. Those that don’t tend to stay away – live and let live. Doesn’t always work in the virtual world, however. Pretty effective in the real one though.

And in response to your other point – if I didn’t learn from them, I did indeed move on. The differences helped to broaden my world view. Again, life is to short.

Fonzisgrrl: @Monkeypants – I think some of these things are factor in on a case-by-case basis.  Without understanding the entire backstory, it’s hard for me to place a discriminatory thought on someone for their problems.

I have no list; I have no pre-conditions. There are probably some types of people who are more likely to be partner material than others, but even that isn’t definitive.

ImPrecious: Individual basis for me, besides huge things like “touches children sexually,” “is abusive”, or “is a Bears fan.”

I agree with the sentiment that if I write someone off for petty things, I could be missing out on a good friend. I lean to the conservative right, several of my friends (including my 2 best friends) are both staunchly liberal left.

I think it’s childish to make a list of superficial things and say “if you do any of these, I don’t like you NYAH NYAH!”

Zamboni: “Discrimination in any form – race, gender, sexual orientation, religion”. Yeah ok, isn’t that pretty much everybody?  Are there a lot of bigots on this site?

Mine is long online dating profiles, I am willing to accept pretty much anything (well except that discrimination thing), but I am just not going to read a really long profile.

Easypickens: There are a lot of bigots everywhere. Cut them from your life, an let them know their attitude is unacceptable. Well, if they say they are gay… that’s pretty much a deal breaker!

Sportyspice21: @Zamboni – There are plenty of bigots and homophobes on this site. I don’t really interact with them, nor have any of them comes across as datable/friendable for other reasons. Hasn’t really been an issue.

Fonzisgrrl: Apparently middle aged, overweight  white guys are a deal breaker for a lot too.

Cindyplex: Being middle aged male and white is not a handicap. In fact, I think them a distinct advantage.  Overweight yes, but that is curable.

BMWbird: ^^ No, I just think there is an influx of men that meet that description on this site to compete against.

“Being middle aged male and white is not a handicap.” TRUE, I think that in the non-cyber world we live in, those attributes are actually an attractive thing!

Sportyspice21: Some friends asked me last week about prejudice against Christians? What’s up with that? I was thinking, “Intolerance of the intolerant? That’s called political correctness, isn’t it?” 

Hey, how about political freedom instead of political correctness? Let each to his own? A revolutionary thought there. Would I tolerate a biker not liking gays? yah. Would I tolerate a gay not liking bikers? yah.

            Each to his own, including what he does or doesn’t like. But then, guess I wouldn’t ever be PC with that sort of non-judgmental attitude, wood eye?

Cindyplex: “Would I tolerate a biker not liking gays? yah. Would I tolerate a gay not liking bikers? yah.” No, and yes.  Being gay and being a biker are not the same.  One is a choice, one isn’t.

And you do have freedom. You can be whatever you wish to be. But you MUST accept that others are going to judge you for your choices. You don’t get to whine about how it isn’t fair and how being PC is wrong.

Fonzisgrrl: I really don’t like political apathy. I don’t understand people who don’t vote. I don’t understand the view that politics are a “waste of time”. Voting is a dealbreaker. You have to vote.

Angiepanda: I live in DC, which doesn’t have a Representative or a Senator and where Obama will crush McCain like a bug.  I can see people in this city thinking its a waste of time, not saying I agree with them, but I can see it.

Cindyplex: Back to deal breakers…that’s mostly it.  I’m not keen on people who see things in black or white, everyone can be reformed.  That’s why on all those bleeding match questions that ask ‘would you consider dating…’ I answer yes, because, sure, I’ll consider it, might not do it though.

That said, racist & xenophobic, sexist, homophobic & fundamentally religious are likely to fail.  And that’s partly due to the often accompanying narrow-mindedness, which leads  to long lists of deal breakers.   Liars might be difficult to reform, mind, as are boring people only interested in the superficial.

Hah, the list gets longer, I’m in self parody. Almost.

Fonzisgrrl: Some girls list so many ‘deal breakers’ in their ‘message me if’ sections it’s quite dispiriting.  Mind you, they’ve probably been inundated if they’re even vaguely attractive, such is the numbers imbalance.  It does seem to make a lot of the girls passive though. Especially in this country.

***

And that’s about all we have time for tonight. What an interesting debate and it’s a shame we have to leave it but even though the broadcast has ended that doesn’t mean the conversation has to stop.

Please feel free to leave your comments below and if you’ve found this interesting, don’t forget to click “Subscribe,” hit the “Bell” icon for notification so you don’t miss our next broadcast and if you’re so inclined, visit our Patreon account and consider making a donation so that we can continue creating interest content.

This is me, Kari R. Wade, thanking you and wishing you nothing but the best from the bottom of my heart. Remember you’re magnificent no matter what they write about you on the bathroom walls! Good Night!

©2008 & 2019 Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys

BABASIOTAAM (Blogging About Befriending Absolute Strangers In Order To Attract A Mate)

Posted by Madd_Fictional on

In the year when Kosovo declared its independence, China cracked down on protesting Tibetan Monks, Beijing hosted the Olympic Games and Barack Obama was busy running for President, I was calculating the odds of my dying alone.

Not that I mind being alone, hell, I’m about the only person on the planet that actually enjoys my company after the bloom has fallen from the rose. But there was this odd, hollow feeling in the center of my chest, something I had never experienced before. I believe you humans call it loneliness.

The cure was obvious, I’d have to make an effort to meet another living being on purpose, but because I am me and I have never ever ever been known to do things the easy way—ha! like there’s an easy way—I decided to turn the process into a social experiment to find out if women were actually attracted to intellect—yes, I’m presuming to possess an adequate level of intelligence—or if they were just as shallow as they claimed men to be. So, I joined a free online dating site.

I began a campaign I called BABASIOTAAM, which was short for Blogging About Befriending Absolute Strangers In Order To Attract A Mate, where I posted outrageous and fictitious stories as bait to reel in enquiring minds and open up a line of communication. This might sound a bit odd to you but it actually worked, the problem was my stories (all presented as facts) attracted both women and men who would then debate my postings until they erupted into flame wars, so I eventually abandoned the project.

But in the midst of my botched brilliant idea to attract a mate, I did actually manage to go on a few dates—or at least meet up with a few women in the flesh. The first was SxxQit10 who responded to my initial post on how sometimes the media can implant racist notions unbeknownst to consumers:

            SxxQit10: Credit given for recognizing the thoughts as irrational and wrong. There are an awful lot of people with the same thoughts who think they’re perfectly rational and acceptable. Sad world we live in. Wanna chat? PM me.

Since that post, we had exchanged a few emails, nothing steamy, no cybering or anything of that nature, mostly icebreaker chitchat. Then she stepped up her game by IMing me.

SxxQit10: Hi! Do you have time to chat?

Me: Sure, I was just answering your email.

SxxQit10: Great. Thanks for writing by the way. You’re bold. 🙂 I like that.

Me: What’s the sense in joining the site if you don’t attempt to make a new connection?

SxxQit10: Oh you might be surprised! Are you new to this?

Me: The online thing? Yeah, pretty new to it. The worst you could have said was “Get lost!” I’m thick-skinned

SxxQit10: 🙂 I’m one of the polite ones. I believe in responding politely and staying human. Sorry if you’ve recently been through something unpleasant.

Me: Nothing recent.

SxxQit10: Oh good for you! Most guys jump on here within days of the end of their relationship. You were smart to wait. To me, that’s a real indication of character. If you can’t be alone, you’ll become too dependent and that’s not healthy for a relationship. Anyway, I’m not going to preach! 😉 You’re a smart guy and know all this stuff I’m sure.

Me: Fortunately, I enjoy my own company. So, has this online worked out for you?

SxxQit10: Well it has worked and not worked. It’s been ok. I’ve met some wonderful men on here who have become friends. I’m also on several others and they’re all about the same.

Me: Don’t knock friends, they’re a rare commodity these days.

SxxQit10: Oh gosh, I never do! There’s a guy I met on here who I have to say is one of my best friends. Two actually.

Me: So, what stops these guys from being “the right one” I mean, if you believe in that sort of thing.

SxxQit10: I do believe in it. Geeze… let’s see. Where do I begin? Duncan lives in South Carolina. That about sums that up! LOL Jerry is a bit new to the dating scene and is more interested in sowing some oats (my humble opinion). His wife cheated on him and he’s really enjoying being the single bachelor. We had the option of being “friends with benefits” I suppose, but I can’t do that. I get too emotionally involved and that’s a big set up for heartache.

Me: I didn’t mean to get too personal, I’m just inquisitive by nature. Please feel free to tell me to mind my own business at any time.

SxxQit10: That’s funny. I was just going to apologize for going too deep. I have a tendency to do that. I ask LOTS of questions too but I’m an open book. No secrets and if I didn’t want to talk about something I’d be honest about it. You can ask me anything you like. 🙂

Me: Good, we share that. If I ever cross a line, just let me know. Guaranteed, it was unintentional.

SxxQit10: I promise and likewise, OK?

Me: So, since you only seem to find friends online, do you venture out into the real world dating scene?

SxxQit10: Real world dating scene? Is there one? Ha. I only know of bars I guess but I’m not a bar-going type per se. Then there’s the workplace, but at this point, it’s a dry well.

Me: While I can appreciate a good pub with friends, it isn’t the ideal place to find a mate. So, what do you do with your time when you’re not out finding peace in massage therapy or busting a gut at a Marx Brother flick?

SxxQit10: Hmmmmm… I do love movies. I read, I write, I play with my son, I belong to a theatre workshop in NYC and we’re trying to get something going. I love to walk in the woods, take photos, live music and theater when I can. I’m currently up for a new job in NYC. If I land that, I’ll be moving a tad bit closer for commuting purposes and upgrading my life a bit.

Me: I was about to ask you about the theatre group. Good luck with the job. If you do produce something and if it’s local, let me know. I support the arts, naturally.

SxxQit10: I sure will and thanks! You know I have to say 95% match is unheard of. I don’t know what it means (after all I agree with you about those awards, complete bs). Have you filled out a lot of tests or something?

Me: No, I haven’t done the tests yet (still new to this) but I plan on it.

SxxQit10: You can look at my tests and click on a link to any of those if you fancy them.

Me: I guess if I’m going to do this, might as well go whole hog. Tests, journals and the like.

SxxQit10: I’ve stayed away from the journal for some reason. Not sure why.

Me: I’m surprised, open book like yourself.

SxxQit10: I guess I don’t want random people in my head. It’s crowded enough in there already!!! And most men probably wouldn’t like what I said on there and that would ruin my already sketchy chances!

Me: Not even room for one more?

SxxQit10: There’s always room for one more! LOL

Me: Good. The sound of knocking you hear is me. Open the door at your convenience.

SxxQit10: Enter! That reminds me of The Sunshine Boys. Come in, and ENTER!

Me: Sunshine Boys? You really do like movies!

SxxQit10: Like you have NO idea.

Me: You and I are going to be friends for life, as long as movies exist.

SxxQit10: Fantastic! I’ve been desperate for a good movie-buddy! Where are you from originally?

Me: Manhattan born and bred. Lived in all five boroughs, currently residing in Staten Island. Ick.

SxxQit10: Why there then. BTW – grew up in Hell’s Kitchen myself. Been in NJ since 1989.

Me: Moved to Staten Island because that’s where the job is. Ferry commuting was a pain.

SxxQit10: Ah. I believe it. What’s the job?

Me: I work for a tattoo company, creating and licensing tattoo artwork.

SxxQit10: Seriously?

Me: Yup.

SxxQit10: How many do you have personally?

Me: Not a one. It’s my job, not my lifestyle.

SxxQit10: Whoa. Would you care if I had one?

Me: Not at all. Do you?

SxxQit10: Yes, a map of postwar Europe across my entire back… just kidding…

Me: Awww, that would have rocked!

SxxQit10: ROFL You are funny.

Me: Nope, you’re just an easy crowd.

SxxQit10: I have two. A Celtic heart about the size of a plum at the base of my neck and a small dragonfly on my shoulder.

Me: You also referenced dragonflies in your profile. Any significance?

SxxQit10: The dragonfly is very important to me. It was my spiritual totem during the hardest part of my life. My divorce. If you believe in that sort of thing. I’m a very spiritual but don’t subscribe to any religion. I’m very open to all things. There’s a cool story to all that, but I’ll save it for another time.

Me: Sigh. Typical woman. Always holding out on the good stuff.

SxxQit10: Oh no!

Me: Oh yes

SxxQit10: Gosh, I’d hoped you’d never say those words about me! Nothing typical about me. But I guess I’m wrong… sigh… sob…

Me: Dry your tears, youngling. You can still grow from this…

SxxQit10: The story is better in person anyway.

Me: Sounds like an invitation

SxxQit10: I guess it is. Interested?

Me: Always.

SxxQit10: Ok then. I have to ask this… please don’t be a freak. Not sure I can take another unsuspected freakshow. 😉

Me: “Freak”… hmmm. No, not a freak. But like yourself, not typical. And it doesn’t have to be immediate. You can suss me out a bit before a real-life meeting.

SxxQit10: That’s OK. We can’t be expected to tolerate the typical in a friendship or potential relationship. And that’s very cool of you to say. Already tells me you’re not a freak.

Me: Ask me all those questions that the Feds use to flush out lunatics.

SxxQit10: I don’t know any of them? What are they? Do you floss? LOL Do you wear your underwear on your head?

Me: Did you ever pull the wings off flies as a kid?

SxxQit10: Oh right!

Me: Only when I’m drunk, does that count?

SxxQit10: Ha. No. It doesn’t count. I don’t think I ever did that. But… I might have held a magnifying glass on an ant or two.

Me: Whew! Good…I’m still in the running. You burned ants? Murderer!

SxxQit10: : ( I know. Why are kids so cruel? To animals, each other… I don’t get it. Just pushing the boundaries of right and wrong I suppose.

Me: Actually, I rolled ants into my Silly Putty ball thinking I could open it up and retrieve them later.

SxxQit10: I love it! Silly Putty! Wasn’t that the best?

Me: I loved Silly Putty.

SxxQit10: I have an 8-year-old son.

Me: I was just about to ask.

SxxQit10: He lives primarily with his Dad and Stepmom about 5 miles from me. I have him 2 days a week and alternate weekends.

Me: Is he happy?

SxxQit10: He seems extremely happy and well adjusted.

Me: It’s a sign. Good. Are you happy? With the arrangement, I mean.

SxxQit10: I was separated almost 6 years ago. There’s a big story, well, not big but emotional story about how things fell out, but all in all I am happy with things. As long as Charlie (my son) is thriving and happy. That’s all that matters. He’s a bright, beautiful child. I think he may be a writer someday.

Me: Excellent. The world needs more writers. Well, you seem very fortunate. I’m happy for you. Thanks. I feel fortunate.

SxxQit10: Have you noticed we’ve answered most all of our questions with the same answer?

Me: I’m sure that once I start answering more questions, the algorithm is going to affect my Match percentages, but yes, our basic questions are on track with one another. And I’m glad. It convinced you to chat with me this afternoon.

SxxQit10: I don’t think it convinced me, but I’m pretty amazed. It’s unusual.

Me: Hopefully, I’ve made a new friend.

SxxQit10: You definitely have! : )

Me: Even though you’re probably one of those freaks you mentioned earlier (which is fine, but please don’t be a 65-year-old man toying with people on the internet). Ick, that thought gives me the chills

SxxQit10: Hysterical. Just FYI. My pics are current (the one with my hair in my hands is about a year old) and my information is perfectly honest. I could never lead with a lie. So my advice to you (to assist you on this online dating roller coaster) is to get a couple more pictures up (a full length or close) and complete the rest of your description. It will help you land lots of chicks! 😉 and… Call me Irving. Bahahahahahah!

Me: Yeah, that’s me the “lots-of-chicks” magnet.

SxxQit10: Well, why wouldn’t you be?

Me: I knew it! Irv the perv! Ha! That’s going to be your pet name from now on. No one will know why!

Me: Oh, you know it! I am Irv for as long as I know you!

SxxQit10: So why don’t you think you’re a chick magnet?

Me: I grow on people. I’m the type you have to get to know.

SxxQit10: Like fungus?

Me: Exactly

SxxQit10: : )  Damn. I have a mold allergy. Are you shy? You don’t seem so.

Me: You’ll get a little sneezy at first but it’ll run its course and you’ll adapt to me in time. I’m an ok kind of fungus.

SxxQit10: Cool. Do you have a spiritual practice of any kind? Meditation, etc. I’m just curious, reading your profile again. Your talk of “ego” made me ask.

Me: Sometimes I’m shy, sometimes I’m not.

SxxQit10: I understand. Do you get out a lot?

Me: I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination. I do love theology, though, especially the apocypha and psuedepigrapha… as far as spirituality… I am open to there being a force in the Universe.

SxxQit10: Same here. Exactly.

Me: I’ve started going out socially last year.

SxxQit10: How was it?

Me: Interesting, but nothing to write home about. Mostly wine-tastings (I’m a beer guy) and movies, a few dinners here and there.

SxxQit10: Well, we’re going to change that. I don’t mean me necessarily, but I can help you. I’m almost an expert on women and relationships… after all, I’m a woman and have been in a few relationships! What’s your favorite beer?

Me: Dogfish Head IPA 120

SxxQit10: I’m a wine-chick. Wine and tequila, but I stay away from tequila now…

Me: Tequilla!!!

SxxQit10: Ah Dogfish Head, yes…

Me: Oh, tequilla bad…I see.

SxxQit10: Yeah, Tequila… makes me do things…

Me: Yes!

SxxQit10: ha.

Me: Underwear on the head!

SxxQit10: More like no shirt in the street…

Me: You absolutely rock.

SxxQit10: It was a long time ago. It was very late and there wasn’t anyone else around… REALLY!!! And yes, I do absolutely rock.

Me: Shirtless Irv!

SxxQit10: That’s great!

Me: Irvs Gone Wild! I’d buy that video.

SxxQit10: I’m in the editing room now. Oh, did I mention I used to edit video for a living?

Me: Really? Why’d you give it up?

SxxQit10: I gave it up to be a full-time Mom, but that got sidetracked. It’s another long story for a face to face. There’s a lot to you isn’t there? You’re complex and deep aren’t you?

Me: Deep as a puddle

SxxQit10: Pish Tosh, I don’t believe it!

Me: I’m humble and lovable.

SxxQit10: That’s ok, you’re not boasting but I was asking. Why are you lovable? Your opinion matters!

Me: I don’t know. Can you find yourself lovable?

SxxQit10: Maybe after too many long nights alone in the woods…

Me: with tequilla

SxxQit10: Ha Ha!

Me: Shirtless With The Wolves

SxxQit10: I’m cracking up.

Me: So, what keeps you in on a Saturday afternoon? Why aren’t you out breaking hearts?

SxxQit10: I am, but I can do it remotely. Or remotely do it? Ummmm. I’m writing. I rarely get a free Saturday and I’ve been trying to get this play past my block/wall/stuck-point. I’m never on this site for more than 5 mins at a time and how long have we been at this today?

Me: An hour at least. Am I keeping you from writing?

SxxQit10: Actually no. I signed on here to take a break but never expected it to last this long!

Me: Well, I’m flattered.

SxxQit10: Are you a sports fan at all?

Me: Fan? No. I watch a bit of boxing and UFC and the occasional rugby match, but not a diehard fan. You?

SxxQit10: I go back and forth. Rugby, now that I would watch. You seem to have a more than average European sensibility. Is that true? I grew up a diehard Yankee fan but watching baseball bores me unless you’re at the game. I like watching football, but I never seem to have the time. I’d rather play sports than watch them.

Me: Last time I was at a baseball game, I was 4, rooting for the Mets. I am a bit of an Anglophile (I devour a lot of Brit telly and film)

SxxQit10: I like that about you.

Me: A friend has a British ISP so I get to watch a great deal of Telly when the BBC posts them.

SxxQit10: BBC is the best. I knew that when I was twelve or was it 8?

Me: There was a Scottish sitcom called “Still Game” that was hilarious. Developing an ear for the language was fun.

SxxQit10: Yay, Scots!

Me: Yay, Scots, indeed! Every year I watch the Hogmanay celebration

SxxQit10: I love my Scottish heritage. I’ve always wanted to go. I got close, made it to London and Dublin, but couldn’t get to Scotland! : (

Me: So, Miss Play-Writer’s-Block, what’s your play about?

SxxQit10: Sad people, alcoholics, judgment, facades, you know… it’s children’s theatre.

Me: Alcoholic kids? I’m in! One ticket, please!

SxxQit10: It’s about a bar in Clifton, NJ and the regulars who are well… regular. It’s an examination of that lifestyle and the relationships that extend from that.

Me: Sounds simple enough. Where are you stuck at?

SxxQit10: Um… I always get stuck at the end of the “first act” not literally separated by acts, but more the first large chunk. And last night or recently…? I came up with a plan to scale that wall. A big decision about the dynamic that takes the piece in a new direction, but a good one.

Me: Need help? I don’t profess to be great, but I could offer assistance… maybe. Or not. Your call

SxxQit10: That’s OK. I’m really shy about my writing. I appreciate the offer tho!

Me: Fine. Didn’t mean to intrude.

SxxQit10: You didn’t!

Me: Rejected. Unloved. Unwanted.

SxxQit10: I really am shy about my writing. I didn’t even show anyone for 10 years!

Me: Fine, offer up whatever excuse you have to.

SxxQit10: Question: everybody on this site lies about their weight, so how much weight would you like to lose. I’ve got about 20 to lose.

Me: 20’s a good target for me. 30 and I’d be a Greek God!

SxxQit10: Which Greek God?

Me: The fat one. Porkulus.

SxxQit10: ROFL! That is funny. Good one. Man, I like your humor.

Me: Nope, you’re an easy crowd.

SxxQit10: No but see, I’m really not!

Me: Then thank you for lowering your standards for the sake of this chat. Humble! That’s me.

SxxQit10: More like Humbug! 😉

Me: Used to pluck the wings off humbugs when I was a kid. Callback!

SxxQit10: I thought that was handbags? or handsaw? Anyway, now I’m on a real tangent~

Me: I don’t do handbags, sweetie…I carry a murse.

SxxQit10: Murse?!!!! Hahahahah! I need some tea.

Me: I fellow tea drinker…nice.

SxxQit10: Would you mind if I excused myself for a min or two? You can tell me more about your life story if you like. At least tell me what kind of writing you do?

Me: Sure, go do your thing.

SxxQit10: Thanks, back!

Me: Well, about the only things I haven’t written (read as:  Completed) are a play and a novel.

SxxQit10: So what are you waiting for?

Me: I used to write and publish my own comic books (don’t laugh, it’s a mode of storytelling)

SxxQit10: Don’t they call them graphic novels?

Me: Yeah, now they’re graphic novels, when I did them they were comics.

SxxQit10: OK, so comic books, writer, shy, loves the BBC, movies… I’m painting a picture here.

Me: I also write short stories, some of which have been published

SxxQit10: Are these science fiction stories perhaps????

Me: Now I write screenplays, some of which I self-direct and other that I submit into competitions.

SxxQit10: Very cool!

Me: Some are science fiction. most are speculative fiction.

SxxQit10: Speculative Fiction? Like Neal Stephenson? Is that what you’d call him? Dunno.

Me: Yes, and Harlan Ellison and the like.

SxxQit10: So… are you impressed???

Me: By you? When I first read your profile. Stop fishing for compliments.

SxxQit10: You already know me so well! So you must know who Eddie Izzard is, right?

Me: Yes, I know Eddie Izzard, in fact, he was recently in the BBC TV remake of Day of the Triffids.

SxxQit10: Really? I’m a big fan of EI. How often do you get into the city?

Me: Usually whenever there’s an event, but I’m always open for traveling. I don’t hang in Staten Island.

SxxQit10: Would you be up for meeting for tea on Sunday?

Me: Sure, why not?

SxxQit10: Cool.

Me: Wait, are you sure I’m not a freak?

SxxQit10: No, I’m not, but this is the only way I’ll know for sure.

Me: Risk taker… nice.

SxxQit10: My theatre group starts at 5: 30. I can come in anytime before that. Not so much risk taker as incurable curious nature.

Me: Name a time and place that’s convenient for you.

SxxQit10: tea… tea… um… how is The Russian Tea Room? Just kidding. Are you a Starbucks hater?

Me: No love, no hate. We can do it.

SxxQit10: I think there’s one around times square (huh, ya think?) that would be good for me and easy for you to get to.

Me: Don’t worry about me. What’s good for you?

SxxQit10: That is good for me. (see above) What time is good for you?

Me: I’m open. You’re the one with time constraints.

SxxQit10: Let’s say 1? Does that work for you?

Me: Sure. 1:00pm in the general vicinity of Times Square

SxxQit10: I know there is one on 42nd closer to 8th than 7th and on the north side of the street, but I think there is also one on 43rd and 8th. Either one is fine. Wow – that’s tomorrow, isn’t it?

Me: It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, Missy Rushy-Pants

SxxQit10: Yes it does. Monday my carriage turns back into a pumpkin

Me: I’ll help you roll the pumpkin back to your house, Cinders.

SxxQit10: No. I’d much rather it be sooner than later. Am I rushing you? We don’t have to if you’re at all uncomfortable.

Me: I understand. Inspect the goods, see if it’s worth your time.

SxxQit10: No. That’s not it really.

Me: You writers are all alike.

SxxQit10: I think it might dictate the direction of our friendship, but you already are worth my time, silly.

Me: That’s what they all say.

SxxQit10: Who’s “they”?

Me: Them. You. You know.

SxxQit10: The infamous them.

Me: The rest of the planet.

SxxQit10: Well, that’s not us.

Me: So Irv, in order to facilitate this brush-off meeting, do you want my phone number or is that too forward? I don’t want to send you screaming.

SxxQit10: Oh you’re funny. Yes, let’s exchange phone numbers in case the train breaks down or some other thing. I don’t scream usually. I’m human.

SxxQit10: You always have the option of screaming and running yourself.

Me: I’m far too polite for that

SxxQit10: OK then we’ll both be stuck there desperately wanting to run, but not being able to because we’re both so damned polite! Nice. Funny.

Me: Nah, it’ll be fine. We can walk and chat and it’ll be fine.

SxxQit10: I think we’ve been chatting for almost 3 hours. That’s crazy. I could continue but I should get back to the play.

Me: Not a problem. I don’t want to keep you from work.

SxxQit10: Can I call you later?

Me: Sure, anytime.

SxxQit10: OK. Maybe after dinner time?

Me: Fine. I’ll be looking forward to it.

SxxQit10: Me too. Talk to you later then?

Me: Sounds like a plan. Now go write your play so you can show me the completed first act, shy writer.

Sure enough, ‘round about dinner time, the young lady calls and we proceed to engage in another three-plus hour conversation about absolutely nothing. She was a bit more skilled in the game than I was. For every two bits of useless topics or jokes, she’d ask a question to size me up. Did I have hair? How many children by how many different women? How much do you drink? Do you have a temper? Can you solve Goldbach’s conjecture? Okay, maybe not the last one, but she had her list prepared, and I didn’t call her on it. I suppose a woman meeting an internet stranger has to be cautious.

Come the day of the flesh meet and long story short… there was no chemistry. Politeness. Light conversation. And that was all she wrote. Guess algorithms can’t match everything, huh?

Other uneventful dates included an actual rocket scientist obsessed with blueberries and the Frazier TV show, a nature hiker who loved squirrels just a bit too much and a Mensa member who constantly tried to downplay her intelligence because of her mother’s deep-rooted conditioning.

Unlucky at blogging, unlucky at love, as the saying goes.

©2008 & 2019 Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys

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Breadcrumbing

Posted by Madd_Fictional on

breadcrumbing

Clive was a dyed in the wool true believer that online dating–the websites (both free and paid) and the process—stunk to high heaven. Not because a great deal of the time was spent sifting through miles of unimaginative profiles that featured photos of celebrities that in no way resembled the actual embittered people who recited a Don’t List of all the things they simply would not stand for in a partner or relationship—well, not mainly for that reason—but merely because he was forced to write a self-summary, also know as his personal kryptonite.

His experiment nearly ended right there.

Primary among the things he hated, in addition to being questioned about any personal information that he would never voluntarily offer up in conversation, was attaching descriptors to himself and/or writing a self-summary. The notion of having to explain the equation of his essence, his being, in order for a stranger to do a quick assessment and chuck him into a labeled box, was enough to make him retch. Not to mention the fact he considered himself boring as hell and had nothing interesting to fill a questionnaire out with if he were keeping it 100, as the young-uns said.

But needs must when the devil drives, so he picked himself up by the bootstraps and scratched his puzzler on the best way to go about creating a self-summary without laying out all his information upfront—like he was actually going to tell a bunch of judgmental strangers anything important about himself, please. Clive was determined to try and reintroduce the notion of courtship back into the dating world and planned to use the interweb to hone his slightly rusty—okay, severely rusty—wooing abilities. One wouldn’t need to be Ellery Queen to suss out the inherent flaws in that plan.

The workaround came fairly quickly and was a no-brainer. Clive was going to summarize himself in short story form, as a sort of coming attraction to ward off them what cain’t be bothered with a bit of good old-fashioned storytelling. This was the result:

One day an old woman stepped directly into my path on the street, stopping me cold, and asked, “Who are you?”

“Pardon?” I was taken aback by the suddenness of the question.

“If you had to describe yourself to me, an absolute stranger, what would you say?” she thwarted my attempt to sidestep her.

“Most likely…nothing,” I admitted. “Since I’m not too fond of the question.”

“Well, what if Nazis held guns to your parents’ heads? What would you tell me then?” she smiled.

Damn. The Nazi ploy.

I hated being manipulated like this, but I couldn’t have anyone, not even this old woman, think that I’m some heartless brute that would allow Nazis to murder my parents in an effort to avoid providing a self-summary.

“And don’t hand me any of that work in progress nonsense, because we’re all works in progress until we give up living.”

“Fair enough.” I nodded in agreement, for it was one of those overused expressions that I can’t stand, just like thinking outside the box.

“Who I am is a born-again optimist. What I believe is that love should not be denied to anyone, even to those born with icy hearts. What I know is that I’m wise enough accept love as it finds me and not reject it because it doesn’t come wrapped in a pretty package. What I hope is that someday every lonely person will reach out to another lonely person and befriend them so that the word lonely fades from our lexicon.”

“Corny and clumsily poetic…” she eyed me for a long moment. “…but an artful dodge, so I’ll let you get away with it… this time.”

This time? Just who did this woman think she was?

“If you had to write a summary about yourself, would anyone read it?”

 I shook my head. “Probably not.”

The old woman cocked her head to the side, “Why not?”

“Because I’m old-fashioned.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” she asked.

“Simply that I wouldn’t reveal too much. Instead of handing someone Cliff Notes about me, I’d prefer to let that information come out naturally during the course of a one-on-one conversation with the person I was interested in. I don’t think that my life and personality can be compressed into a resume.”

“Is that a fact?” she said more to herself than anything else. “So, what are you doing with your life? Living it…is not an acceptable answer.” She tapped her foot impatiently.

What a surprise. Another question I hated, for how do you sum up passion, goals and interest in a sentence? A paragraph? It needs to be discussed in casual give and take conversation, which I knew would not happen here, so I answered:

“I’m in a creation stage of my life, at the moment. The need to create things is strong in me and I do that utilizing art, writing, sculpture and filmmaking. Some of my work has been published, which has brought me some attention but not anything close to notoriety.”

“Very good…” the old woman said, pleasantly surprised. “I didn’t have to pull teeth that time.”

“And my final question for you today is… what are you good at? I mean, really good at?” the annoyance seemed to melt away from her face, which put me at ease a bit.

“Hmmm…” I scratched my puzzler at that one. “If I had to give you one thing, I suppose it would be my ability to suss out how things work. Not machines and the like, but other things, intangible things… and people, as well. Except for you, that is. You’re a complete mystery to me.”

The corners of the old woman’s mouth curved up into a slight smile, as she nodded “Thank you.” and left as suddenly as she appeared, leaving me perplexed as to what just transpired here.

And with the self-summary written, all that was left was to join a bunch of free online dating sites—who’d pay, I mean, really—and cast his line into the water. But Clive hadn’t wanted to be aggressive about it, so the only two restrictions he imposed on himself were:

  1. He wouldn’t be the first person to initiate contact.
  2. He wouldn’t submit himself to a dating questionnaire when a woman was trying to gather more intel on him. Why make it easy for her to dismiss him based on whether or not he looked good to her on paper without even the courtesy of a flesh meet?

He also had to ask himself an honest question, Was he doing this to find an actual companion, an activity partner—young’uns would only understand this when they were older—or was he just out to get laid?

To anyone reading this, the initial obvious answer was to get laid, Clive just knew it, and he couldn’t blame anyone. When one cleaved through all the bullshit that men did and subjected themselves to, 9.75 times out of 10 sex was the reason, the answer, and the end goal. And okay, maybe that factored in a little bit, but mainly it was to find a companion.

But how could Clive attract the attention of women without contacting them or putting his statistics on display? Naturally, he knew the answer was to blog, but keeping a running online journal of his daily life—wake up, work, watch movies, procrastinate, troll the internet, sleep, repeat—would’ve bored anyone to tears.

No, he’d be forced to resort to the only thing he’d ever been good at in his entire life…

Inventing shit.

To be continued…