If you live long enough (and knock on wood that you do), you come to discover that bizarre things can and will befall you in your normal workaday life. And because we all know that supernatural entities exist (how else do you explain the existence of the Ghostbusters?), one of the most bizarre and dangerous phenomena is the possession of inanimate objects, particularly cars. So, what do you do when your reliable car becomes possessed by a supernatural entity and falls in love with you? Now, before you slip into your own private mechanophilia fantasy (hey, I don’t kink shame), let me point out that the situation can and will escalate into a horror tale of jealousy, rage, and violence. Luckily, you know me, and I know the inherent dangers to your spouse, family, and friends, and, as always, I am the man with the dubious plan on how to keep your loved ones safe and return things to normal.

Telltale Signs Your Car is Possessed

1. Unexplained Movements
   Starting and Stopping on Its Own: The car may start or stop without anyone at the controls.
   Self-Driving Behavior: Steering, accelerating, or braking occurs without any human input, as if driven by an unseen force.
2. Emotional Reactions
   Affectionate Gestures: It may respond warmly to your presence, such as turning on the radio to your favorite station when you approach.
3. Anomalous Sounds and Voices
   Whispers or Voices: Muffled voices, whispers, or even clear speech may be heard coming from the car’s speakers or within the vehicle itself, even when the car is turned off.
   Unexplained Noises: Creaks, groans, or other mysterious sounds may be heard, especially when the car is alone.
4. Electrical Malfunctions
   Flickering Lights: Headlights, dashboard lights, or interior lights may flicker or flash without reason.
   Erratic Electronics: Radio stations changing on their own, windows rolling up or down, or other electronic systems behaving erratically.
5. Disturbing Appearance Changes
   Changes in Color or Texture: The car’s paint may change color, or the texture of materials inside the car may alter inexplicably.
   Unexplained Damage: Scratches, dents, or other damage may appear without cause, often in patterns or symbols.
6. Unusual Sensations
   Cold or Hot Spots: Certain areas of the car may become unusually cold or hot without explanation.
   Feelings of Being Watched: A strong sensation that you’re being observed or that the car has a presence or consciousness.
7. Abnormal Reactions to Religious or Magical Symbols
   Avoidance or Attraction: The car may react strongly to specific symbols, either avoiding them or being drawn to them.
   Physical Disturbances: Placing a religious or magical symbol in or on the car may cause physical reactions like shaking or revving.

The Dangers To Your Spouse, Family and Friends

• Jealousy-Fueled Attacks: The car may perceive your spouse as a rival and attempt to harm them through road accidents or direct hit-and-run attacks within the home.
• Psychological Trauma: Living under the constant threat of a jealous car can cause immense stress and anxiety for your spouse.
• Unpredictable Behavior: The car’s jealousy may extend to anyone close to you, leading to unexpected victims being wrapped around the axle of your car and dangerous actions such as carbon monoxide poisoning within the domicile.
• Damaged Relationships: The fear and tension can strain relationships with loved ones, as they may feel targeted or unsafe around not only the car, but you as well.

The obvious ways of protecting your loved ones are:

• Avoid Vehicular Interaction: Keep your family and friends as far away from the car as possible, especially when the automobile is showing signs of jealousy.
• Implement Safety Measures: Consider installing security systems or barriers to keep the car contained, but keep in mind that this is only a temporary solution. If the car wants out, the car is going to get out.

But there are some unconventional methods you might consider, as well:

• Spiritual Practices and Rituals: Perform protective rituals and engage spiritual experts to conduct rituals that create a spiritual shield around your home and loved ones. Place the appropriate religious or magical symbols around the home and on family members’ possessions, such as jewelry or talismans, to ward off the entity. Also, work with a spiritual practitioner to craft amulets imbued with protective energy specific to each family member. And don’t be afraid to utilize known protective charms such as certain crystals, herbs, or symbols, and keep them nearby.
• Emergency Planning: I cannot stress creating emergency protocols strongly enough. Develop clear and concise emergency plans, including escape routes and safe places, in case your car’s behavior becomes violent. And educate family members, ensuring that everyone understands the emergency plans and knows what to do in various scenarios.

Now that you’ve sorted your family’s safety out, it’s time to focus on your possessed and obsessive car:

Make A Heartfelt Connection And Understand Your Car’s Love

Feelings are feelings and who’s to say that so-called inanimate objects can’t have emotions? Your car may genuinely love you and now, through paranormal possession, it finally has the ability to make those feelings known. That, or it could just be a spirit who has the serious horn for you (I mean, look at you, you’re gorgeous). In either case, try to open up a line of communication, either verbally or spiritually, and make an honest attempt to comprehend the entity’s emotions. Have a chat with your car, the way you might talk to a child with a puppy love crush, and uncover its motivations and history. By embracing your car’s perspective, you can begin to address its feelings and desires.

Taming Jealousy: Calming the Possessed Car’s Rage

• Empathize with Its Feelings: Try to empathize with its feelings of affection, love, and protectiveness toward you. Express your understanding of its feelings and your willingness to negotiate.
• Identify the Triggers: Determine what specific actions or people trigger the jealousy to understand what needs to be addressed.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, so your car knows what to expect.
• Show Respect: Acknowledge your car’s presence and its connection to you, showing respect for its feelings and existence.
• Build Trust: Create a relationship based on trust by honoring agreements and showing consistency in your actions.
• Negotiate a Truce: Work with your car to find a compromise that respects its feelings without endangering your loved ones.
• Offer Alternatives: Suggest alternatives that allow your car to express its affection without harming others.
• Employ Healing Rituals: Engage in rituals that promote healing and calm, guided by a spiritual expert or supernatural specialist.
• Use Protective Symbols: Display or carry symbols that are known to foster peace, love, and harmony, which may influence the entity’s behavior.
• Regular Check-ins: Maintain an ongoing dialogue with the entity, assessing how the arrangements are working and making necessary adjustments.
• Involve Loved Ones: Keep family and friends informed and involved, ensuring their feelings and safety are considered.

And now that you’ve managed to open a line of communication with your car, it’s time to:

Exorcize The Bastard Entity That Has Taken Up Residence Inside Your Car

• Assess the Situation By Identifying the Entity: Determine the nature of the entity, whether it’s a spirit, demon, or other supernatural being, to tailor the exorcism approach.
• Seek Professional Help By Consulting With Spiritual Experts: Engage professionals with experience in exorcism, such as priests, shamans, or paranormal investigators, to guide or perform the process. And acquire specific tools, symbols, or substances required for the exorcism, as advised by the expert.
• Cleanse and Purify The Car: Perform cleansing rituals using substances like holy water, sage, or salt to purify the car’s environment.
• Create a Sacred Space: Set up a perimeter around the car using protective symbols or materials to contain the entity during the exorcism.
• Conduct the Exorcism Ritual by Beginning with Prayer or Invocation: Start with prayers or invocations to call upon higher powers or protective forces for assistance.
• Command the Entity to Leave: Firmly but respectfully demand that the entity leave the car, using specific phrases or chants as guided by the expert.
• Utilize Specialized Techniques: Employ specific techniques, rituals, or objects that are effective against the particular entity, such as religious texts or relics.
• Monitor Reactions: Pay close attention to the car’s reactions and the entity’s behavior, adjusting the approach as needed.
• Seal and Protect the Car: After the entity has been expelled, perform rituals or use materials to seal the car, preventing re-entry.
• Implement Ongoing Protection: Consider ongoing protective measures, such as regularly blessing the car or keeping protective symbols inside it.
• Monitor the Car: Keep a close watch on the car for signs of residual activity or re-possession, ready to seek professional help if needed.

And the most important step:

• Trade the Car in for a New Nonpossessed Model: Because…why take chances, right?

In the twisted highways of life, a possessed car fueled by jealous love is undoubtedly a road less traveled, yet the road map provided by yours truly equips you with the knowledge, tools, and courage to steer through this automotive nightmare. Remember, emotions, even those emanating from metal and rubber, are complex and deserve understanding. Compassion, firmness, spiritual wisdom, and yes, perhaps a new set of wheels, are your keys to emerging unscathed.

So the next time you find your car serenading you with love songs or glaring at your spouse through its headlights, know that you have my dubious plan to put things right. Drive safe, keep your heart’s gearshift in neutral, and may your journeys be free of spectral hitchhikers.