There are two kinds of meetings in life: those where you shake hands and forget, and those that rip the fabric of your reality, leaving you irreversibly changed. The distinction, though subtle, separates the two like distant stars in the cosmic sky. The day Nevaeh waltzed into my orbit, the latter happened.

We crossed paths on the enigmatic thirtieth of February—a date you might snidely insist doesn’t exist. However, history speaks otherwise. Sweden recorded such a date in 1712, and the Soviet Union logged it twice, in 1930 and 1931. Believe it or not, that paradoxical date materialized once more, on the same axis of time and space as Nevaeh and me.

Our initial encounter took place a smidgen earlier, during our embarkation on the grand space station Orion-7. Alongside a throng of fresh astronaut recruits, our eyes gleamed with the anticipation of interstellar quests. The very fabric of the galaxy seemed to stretch infinitely, stuffed with a plethora of unexplored possibilities. Nevaeh and I broke the ice because we found ourselves confined to the same cramped shuttle pod. By the time the spacecraft’s docking clamps latched onto Orion-7, we’d traversed enough conversational galaxies to consider ourselves allies in this cosmic adventure.

Veteran astronauts—weathered spacefarers prepping to pass on their celestial batons—indoctrinated us. Specifically, they tutored us on the intricacies of Hangar Bay 5, drilling the protocols of the Continuum Portal, Faraday Safety Net, and the cryptic Chronal Umbilical Cord into our minds. During these sessions, Nevaeh’s seasoned mentor displayed her Riftsuit like a sacred artifact, detailing the intricacies of its instrumentation. Although the seasoned astronauts maintained an air of solemn decorum, their politeness was a fortress, never allowing camaraderie to breach its walls. We young recruits formed an ecosystem unto ourselves, connected to the veterans by nothing more than a fraying tether of professional courtesy. An exception was Caruthers, the aged astronaut shrouded in whispers. The rumors said he had stepped unprotected into the Continuum Portal and returned… altered. No one dared utter the word ‘crazy,’ but warnings circulated among us to steer clear.

Nevaeh and I, and the rest of the cadet, too, I suppose, were itching to take our first trip through the portal, but tachyon and neutrino activity kept us from breaching the rift. Invisible to the naked eye, but watching the storms on the instrument panels was my favorite; although they kept us from time traveling, I waited for a scope to hit the flatness of the horizon and erupt it. I waited for a surge.

It was during one of these waiting periods that Caruthers approached me. I was staring at one of his intricate sculptures, mesmerized by its complexity.

“They’re breadcrumbs for those who want to go where they shouldn’t. A map for the desperate or the foolish,” he said, standing beside me.

He was not always the station’s recluse. Once a promising astronaut and one of the pioneering engineers of the Continuum Portal, he’d been married to Lena, a brilliant physicist. A lab accident claimed Lena’s life and a desperate Caruthers broke the rule we all swore by—he entered the portal without a Riftsuit. He returned, but he was not the same. Neither confirming nor denying the whispers about his altered state, he drifted into the background, focusing his creativity on these abstract sculptures.

“But why breadcrumbs?” I asked, still staring at the sculpture. “Why not a map or a guide?”

“Maps can be followed or ignored,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. “Breadcrumbs lure you, intrigue you. They invite you to get lost.”

Just then, my gaze met Nevaeh’s across the room. She was staring at the portal, lost in her thoughts. I knew she was planning, imagining. It was a gaze I recognized well, full of breadcrumbs leading to a place we might never return from.

Finally, the moment arrived. We attempted to breach the walls of time and space, to tear a hole into the past for the promise of a recalibrated future. But each expedition was met with a forceful pushback from the chronal waves, as if time itself refused to relinquish its secrets to us, as if we were children attempting to unlock a forbidden vault.

Time became our fixation, our muse, and our tormentor. As days stretched into monotonous months, a kind of existential lethargy settled over us. We began to question: were we equipped to dance with these relentless temporal waves, or were we doomed to exist merely as cosmic observers?

It was during one such contemplative moment that I found my gaze drifting towards Nevaeh. She stood there, her eyes fused to the swirling vortex of the portal. The subtle tension in her jaw signaled an internal world awash in turbulent thought. Then, without uttering a syllable, she sprang to her feet, her eyes meeting mine just long enough to exchange a silent pact. She lunged, clutching my hand as we both plunged into the abyss, devoid of Riftsuits, instrumentation, or safety nets. We faced the tempestuous chronal waves, which met us like an impenetrable barrier.

When you collide with a wave of that magnitude, it’s electrifying, excruciating, and yet inexplicably imbued with a glimmer of hope. I felt her grip loosen as a wave propelled her in another direction, a final glimpse of her lavender tank top shimmering in the chaotic churn. I collided with something harsh and enigmatic, an entity that the chronal currents seemed to protect. Then, a surge swept me back, ejecting me from the continuum, back onto the station’s metallic floor. But Nevaeh—she never returned.

Since my return, I have become an outcast aboard Orion-7, facing disciplinary action for violating protocols and endangering the life of a fellow crew member. Charges are pending until the powers that be change Nevaeh’s official status from Missing to Deceased. The only person who will give me the time of day is Caruthers. Together, we speculate on the enigma that is Nevaeh, on what the universe saw in her that it failed to recognize in the rest of us. And we wait, watching the chronal readings for any sign, any indication that Nevaeh succeeded in her quest, that she’s somewhere rewriting the tapestry of existence. While Caruthers and I keep our vigil, the waves continue their never-ending dance. And somewhere in that perpetual rhythm, I feel her. Nevaeh is out there, lost but not forgotten, forever a part of the cosmic melody.

Who doesn’t love a garage sale? Someone else’s household clutter just might turn out to be your pot of gold, especially in an age when thrift stores seem to be getting pricier and pricier. Sometimes, there might even be a free bin to sort through, and naturally, frugal person I know you to be, that’s where you start.

In that bin, underneath VHS cassettes without labels, assorted Allen wrenches, and water-warped paperback copies of 50 Shades of Gray, you come across a well-preserved monkey’s paw. You’re no slouch; you know exactly what this is. It’s a relic that has been cursed by a mystic that comes with instructions that it can grant three wishes to the owner, but each wish comes at a great cost. The wishes granted by the paw are twisted in a way that leads to suffering, tragedy, or horror.

Lesser beings would avoid the monkey’s paw because urban legends have filled their heads with cautionary reminders about the dangers of greed, impulsive wishes, and tampering with supernatural forces. But you know me, and I’m the man with the dubious plan, and I’ll show you how to score those three wishes curse-free!

The first step, before you even contemplate making your initial wish, is to don your finest legal robes and enter this transaction like you’re stepping into the courtroom of the arcane and dissect the hell out of the monkey’s paw curse with the shrewdness of a seasoned lawyer. Do your damnedest to adopt the strategy of legal thinking to craft wishes that leave no room for ambiguity, confusion, or the dreaded twist of fate.

1. Wish Drafting: Legalese Looping the Wish: Enter the world of legalese! Craft your wish with meticulous precision, outlining the exact parameters of the wealth you desire. Define terms, conditions, and exceptions with the scrutiny of a legal expert, leaving no room for interpretation.
2. Escaping Ambiguity: The Power of Defined Terminology: Incorporate terms and phrases with clear legal definitions. Avoid vague terms like “rich” and opt for specifics, such as “possession of X amount of currency and assets with immediate effect.”
3. Conditions and Clauses: Building Safeguards into Your Wish: Insert clauses that anticipate potential twists and turns. Specify that the wish’s fulfillment must not cause harm, suffering, or any form of negative impact on you or your loved ones.
4. The “Unbreakable” Wish: Unveiling the Ironclad Stipulations: Envision a wish that is protected by an array of stipulations, making it virtually immune to the curse’s manipulation. Include clauses that ensure the wish remains intact regardless of external influences or supernatural intervention.
5. The Reverse Disclaimer: Placing the Curse on Pause: Get creative with a reverse disclaimer, stating that any attempts by the paw to twist or alter the wish’s outcome will result in a temporary suspension of the curse’s effects. This bold approach could buy you time to address any unforeseen consequences.
6. Binding Arbitration: Resolving Disputes with Cosmic Mediation: Consider a cosmic twist: Wish for a binding arbitration process in case of any dispute between your intended wish and the paw’s interpretation. Place the onus on the paw to create or summon a neutral cosmic entity to ensure fair judgment and adherence to your original wish.

And there you have it, a crash course in wish-making that even the most astute legal eagles would be proud of. You’ll turn the monkey’s paw into a defendant in the courtroom of your desires, complete with legal jargon, stipulations, and cosmic arbitration. So sally forth, you legal wizards, and may your wishes be as airtight as a contract – with the added benefit of being curse-free.

Disclaimer: Before you embark on this cerebral journey of circumventing the monkey’s paw curse through legal acumen, it’s imperative to remember that the cosmos operates with its own set of rules, often defying even the most ingenious of human strategies. While I’ve presented these ideas with all the earnestness of a courtroom drama, I must acknowledge the shadow of uncertainty that accompanies any interaction with the supernatural.

In the unlikely event that any of these carefully crafted approaches lead to unforeseen and unfortunate consequences, please remember that the realm of mysticism is rife with intricacies that defy human comprehension. While I can guide, suggest, and hypothesize, I can’t ensure absolute outcomes or guarantee that cosmic forces will align perfectly with your intentions.

So, as you contemplate binding arbitrations, stipulations, and definitions as precise as a fine quill, remember that the monkey’s paw operates in enigmatic ways that might elude even the most masterful legal minds. My aim is to explore the possibilities, but reality often retains a grip on the unpredictable. Proceed with mindfulness, curiosity, and the understanding that, in the grand tapestry of existence, some threads are woven with mystery beyond human influence.

Chances are you’re no saint. That’s not meant to be a slight against you, just a simple statistical fact. During the course of your (hopefully long) life, there’s a good chance that you have been envious, coveted, succumbed to substances that impaired your judgment, dabbled in dishonesty and unfaithfulness, and committed other acts that have denied your admittance into the pearly gated community.

But you didn’t commit murder, which may seem a small consolation as your little tootsies turn into charcoal briquettes whilst standing in the fiery pits, but it may signal that all is not lost. If nothing else, hopefully, I have established myself over the past few weeks as the man with the dubious plan for nearly every scenario, and I am going to reveal to you the secret of moving on up in the afterlife to that deluxe apartment in the sky. It all begins with:

Self-Reflection: Embracing the Awkward Silence Within: So, here you are, the sands of your hourglass have run out, your timecard has been punched for the final time, and you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a cosmic game of “Truth or Eternal Consequences.” Could you dive headlong into a pit of despair? Sure, that’s the easy road. Instead, why not take the time (you’ve got plenty of it now, kiddo) to channel your inner philosopher and have a heart-to-heart with your conscience? If it helps, try to imagine your former life as a reality TV show where your past misdeeds are the embarrassing outtakes – it’s a cringe-worthy marathon, but I promise you, it’s worth the watch.

Understanding Divine Justice: Where Bingo Meets Karma: The next step in the process is the Hall of Justice (get that Superfriends hideout image out of your head right this instance), which is the equivalent of a divine bingo hall/carnival where each misstep you’ve taken in life becomes a numbered ball. The stakes are high, and you’re the player. But instead of shouting “Bingo!” you’re shouting, “I’ve learned my lesson!” Get ready to dab your way into the hearts of cosmic judges.

With your Judgment Bingo Card in hand, you look around for the tombola and the bingo caller, but instead, you’re taken on a roller coaster. As you loop and swirl, your aim is to collect numbered balls as you whiz past the underworld’s sinful attractions. The goal? Fill your bingo card with all the required less-than-righteous past actions and reach the “I’ve learned my lesson” goal before the ride ends. Remember, shouting “I’ve learned my lesson” at the top of your lungs is not only allowed but encouraged.

You will then be ejected from the roller coaster and catapulted into the demi-celestial courtroom, where the physical embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins serves as the jury, and the rabbit-hole taboos that you’ve accidentally fallen into on the internet are the bailiffs. Your deeds are presented on the mother of all flatscreens, complete with dramatic background music composed by demonic DJs. It’s here that you’ll present your opening statement. Do your damnedest (pun intended) to present your case with flair, but don’t forget to add a heaping helping of pathos into the mix. You know you’re on the right track if the jury and baliffs pass the tissue box around as you share your remorseful monologue filled with heartfelt apologies (and yes, they must be heartfelt).

Building a Case for Redemption: Crafting Your Heavenly Elevator Pitch: Let’s face facts, this is no different from a co-op interview, with you being the candidate who wants to live in the penthouse section of the building. But in order to be approved as an eternal salvation shareholder, your presentation has to be on point, depicting your upward trajectory from miscreant to model citizen. Collect all the good you’ve, even the tiny things, and polish those turds under they shine like gold.

The Power of Atonement: Good Deeds, Charity, and the Ultimate Yard Sale: Then you need to get ready for the grandest yard sale creation has ever seen. Swap your ill-gotten gains for genuine acts of kindness. Exchange your trinkets of misdeeds for treasures of benevolence. Bonus points if you convince a devil to buy a “slightly singed” pitchfork (I know you have one stashed away somewhere. We all do).

Communicating with Divine Entities: Divine Texting and Cosmic Emojis: Next step? Up your astral projection game as you slide into celestial DMs. Use a divine emoji to convey your apologies – a teary-eyed Lucifer, a repentant Cain, or even an apologetic politician. Remember, even divine beings appreciate modern communication tactics.

Accepting Judgment with Grace: The Cosmic Dance of Destiny: Imagine a grand ballroom where you’re invited to the dance of eternity. As the music plays, gracefully accept your verdict. If the decision is in your favor, you’ll do the moonwalk of joy. If not, perform the sprinkler dance of resilience. Remember, it’s all about the cosmic choreography.

Plus, you can always file for an appeal and take another crack at it. Practice makes perfect.

Once you’ve gotten the giggles out of your system, I’d like to address a serious matter that the French call cul de loup-garou, which is a surprisingly common affliction suffered by millions across the globe. It is also known as devil dog derriere, canine keester, howling heinie, and rumpwolf, but I run a classy joint and will simply refer to it by its medical name: Posterior Lycanthropy.

For those of you living under a mundane, non-supernatural rock, allow me to paint the picture of how you—yes, you—could fall victim to this unfortunate wretchedness. You’re out on a stroll one lovely evening, the moon is full and high in the starlit sky when you come across a person doubled over in pain, and being the empathetic person I know you to be, you rush over to offer assistance. However, upon closer inspection, you notice that the person seems to be deformed. It takes you a moment to realize that they are in mid-transformation, and as your flight instinct kicks in, they bite your cheek. Not a full-on chomp that rends flesh, just a nip. But before they can attack again, an Argent (a member of a family of werewolf hunters) comes to your rescue and dispatches the poor wee beastie with a weapon made of silver. The Argent asks if you’ve been bitten, and you lie and say no.

Congratulations! You have just joined the ranks of the posterior lycanthropes!

But why is only one part of your body affected by the lycanthropy? While I am no expert in the matter (shocking, I know), my best pseudo-scientific guess is that since the lycanthrope hadn’t completed their transformation and the attack was just a slight breaking of the skin, the werewolf curse transference was cut off mid-stream localizing the effect in your tushy. In layman’s terms: your ass is a werewolf.

Now, should you find yourself with the peculiar circumstance of your caboose turning into a werewolf under the moon’s glow, fear not. You are in the presence of the man with the dubious plan, and I will help you navigate the challenges of managing a lycanthropic booty.

1. Embracing the Unusual: Acceptance and Adaptation: The first step is acknowledging the bizarre situation. Embrace the uniqueness of your experience and adopt an open-minded perspective to navigate this unexpected transformation.
2. Timing Matters: Moon Phases and Lunar Schedules: Like any werewolf, your condition likely depends on lunar cycles. Keep track of moon phases to anticipate your transformations, helping you plan and take precautions.
3. Choosing the Right Wardrobe: Fashioning Lycanthropic Attire: Adjusting your clothing is crucial. Opt for attire that accommodates your unique transformation, ensuring comfort and preventing awkward situations during moonlit hours. Drop seat pajamas and back zippers will become your best friend.
4. Managing Social Situations: Explaining the Unexplainable: Eventually, you might find yourself in social settings during your moon-induced changes. Prepare explanations and witty responses for questions to maintain a light-hearted atmosphere.
5. Practical Precautions: Minimizing Incidents and Mishaps: While your situation may seem humorous to some, practicality is key. Implement safety measures to prevent accidental exposure or discomfort during your lunar transformations. And warn imbecilic animal lovers not to pet your werewolf head, as the wolf is hungry and has developed a taste for the arms of morons. Also, remind them they’re essentially petting your butt, which can be interpreted as rude in non-amorous congress settings.
6. Seeking Advice from the Supernatural: Consulting the Experts: Connect with the supernatural community for guidance. Join a posterior lycanthropy support group and seek advice from werewolves or supernatural beings who might have insight into managing inconvenient and embarrassing transformations.
7. Embracing the Uniqueness: Celebrating Your One-of-a-Kind Tale: Embrace the humorous side of your condition. Share your story with friends and loved ones, turning your peculiar transformation into a humorous anecdote that showcases your resilience and creativity.

But what if you’re not interested in accepting your fate as a hinderwulfen? The desire to find a cure is completely understandable, and here is a range of potential solutions to explore:

1. Consulting Magical Experts: Seeking Guidance from the Supernatural: Connect with mystical beings and creatures who might possess insights into reversing transformations. Witches, wizards, and supernatural creatures could offer remedies rooted in their otherworldly knowledge.
2. Lunar Herbalism: Exploring Lunar-Related Remedies: Since the moon plays a role in your transformation, consider lunar herbalism. Seek out herbs and plants associated with the moon’s energy that might help control or reverse the condition.
3. Alchemy and Elixirs: Crafting Transformative Potions: The world of alchemy is filled with possibilities. Experiment with creating elixirs that are tailored to your specific transformation, drawing inspiration from mythical texts and legends.
4. Enlisting the Aid of Cursed Objects: Seeking Miraculous Artifacts: Legends often speak of cursed objects with powers to both bestow and lift curses. Investigate these artifacts in your quest for a cure, with caution and a sense of adventure.
5. Challenging Riddles and Quests: Proving Your Worth: Mythology is rife with stories of challenges and quests to lift curses. Embrace your situation as a unique quest and seek out the riddles or challenges that could lead to your redemption.
6. Harnessing Celestial Alignment: Aligning with Cosmic Forces: Celestial events hold power in various myths. Seek alignment with cosmic forces during specific astronomical events that might hold the key to reversing your condition.
7. Exploring Interdimensional Solutions: Crossing Boundaries for Answers: Consider crossing into other dimensions or realms, as they might offer unconventional solutions that lie beyond the confines of the earthly realm.

The perplexing and unexpected world of posterior lycanthropy has been laid bare before you. Whether you choose to embrace your condition with humor, take practical precautions, or embark on a quest for a cure that is as unconventional as the affliction itself, know that you are capable of facing the challenges head-on—or, in this case, cheek-on.

And who knows, maybe in the process of managing your wolfy buns, you’ll uncover truths about yourself and the world that go beyond the confines of the mundane. After all, life’s twists and turns, even those as unique as a carnivorous fanny, have a way of teaching us that the human experience is as diverse as the moonlit night itself.

Here’s today’s seemingly-impossible-but-the-world-is-slowly-turning-into-a-bizarre-place-so-it-could-very-well-happen scenario: The weekend has finally arrived, and you put your work life on the back burner and go out with friends and drink yourself into oblivion (I’m not your Dad, so no judgment here). Despite not being able to remember the events of the evening, you hope that you didn’t make too big a fool of yourself and your embarrassing antics don’t get posted on social media, but you were on autopilot and managed to get home in one piece.

As the Billy Joel song goes, you wake up in the morning with your head on fire and your eyes too bloody to see… and you slowly discover that you are the only flesh and blood human being left on the planet. Everyone else has transformed into life-size equivalents of Jim Henson’s Muppets, and the entire world has become a complex version of Sesame Street.

How could you possibly survive such a unique and surreal experience? You are extremely fortunate in the fact that you have made my acquaintance, and I happen to be the man with the dubious plan to take this scenario from the realm of fiction and offer creative ways to approach and adapt to your new environment:

1. Stay Calm and Observe: Take a moment to process your surroundings and situation. Observe the Muppet characters and their interactions to gain a better understanding of their world.
2. Build Relationships: Just like on Sesame Street, forge relationships with the Muppet characters. Engage in conversations, show genuine interest in their lives, and learn about their personalities.
3. Learn the Muppet Culture: Familiarize yourself with the customs, language, and traditions of the Muppet world. Understanding their way of life can help you integrate and connect with the characters.
4. Join in Activities: Participate in the activities and routines of the Muppets. Whether it’s attending “Sesame Street” lessons or joining them in their play, immersing yourself in their world can lead to meaningful experiences.
5. Share Your Human Perspective: Your human perspective can offer a unique point of view. Share your experiences, stories, and insights with the Muppets, sparking engaging discussions and mutual learning.
6. Embrace Diversity: The Muppet world is known for its diversity. Embrace the differences and celebrate the various personalities and traits that make up the Muppet community.
7. Problem-Solving and Creativity: Channel your creativity to find solutions to any challenges you encounter. Just as Muppets solve problems in imaginative ways, adapt your problem-solving skills to this unconventional environment.
8. Supportive Role: Offer your assistance and support to the Muppet characters. Whether it’s helping them with tasks, offering guidance, or participating in their adventures, your presence can make a positive impact.
9. Enjoy the Humor: Embrace the humor and lightheartedness of the Muppet world. Laughter and joyful moments can help you navigate this whimsical reality.
10. Reflect and Adapt: Reflect on the lessons and experiences you gain from your time in the Muppet world. Adapt your perspective and values based on the interactions and insights you gain.

But even if you master all of the suggestions above, navigating the surreal Sesame Street world of Muppets will present some unique challenges, such as:

1. Jealousy and Adaptability: Not all individuals might easily adapt to becoming a Muppet. Some might feel jealous or out of place, struggling to embrace their new form. Building understanding and a sense of belonging could be challenging.
2. Dietary Adjustments: If you’re a carnivorous human, the shift to an all-felt animal population could pose a dietary challenge. Finding suitable alternatives and adjusting to a plant-based diet might be necessary.
3. Romantic Partnerships: Romantic relationships could be complicated by the diversity of Muppet species and characteristics. Compatibility might require a deeper level of understanding and acceptance.
4. Cultural Differences: Different Muppet species could have their own cultural norms, traditions, and ways of interacting. Navigating these differences might require open-mindedness and learning about their distinct perspectives.
5. Communication Challenges: Muppets have different physical features and voices that could impact communication. Overcoming potential communication barriers and finding common ground could be a hurdle.
6. Handling the Absurd: There’s no doubt that Mearth (Muppet Earth) will become known for its whimsy and surreal situations. Adjusting to the fantastical nature of this world and responding to the unexpected with composure could be a challenge.
7. Identity and Self-Image: Adjusting to a Muppet form might affect personal identity and self-image. Coping with these changes and embracing a new sense of self could be a psychological struggle.
8. Conflict Resolution: Conflict resolution might require creative approaches due to the unique personalities and traits of Muppet characters. Finding common ground and understanding diverse viewpoints could be complex. Learning to sing happy, educational songs about letters and numbers and the different emotions we experience occasionally might help de-escalate potentially volatile situations.
9. Fitting In: Integrating into the Muppet community and finding a role that suits your skills and interests might be challenging, especially considering the Muppets’ distinct talents.
10. Technology and Infrastructure: Muppet World’s technology and infrastructure could be tailored to Muppet needs. Navigating these systems and adapting to their functionality might require a learning curve.

And if you just so happen to be sleuthful and scientific in nature, you might consider collaborating with like-minded Muppets on uncovering why the miraculous transformation occurred and why you were exempt, as well as either working on a serum to return the entire population back to their flesh and blood counterparts or to transform you into a Muppet (hey, you know what they say, if you can’t beat ’em…)

And if neither attempt is successful, keep in mind that as your journey unfolds on Mearth, the blending of human and Muppet worlds offers an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and collaboration unlike any other. Whether you choose to join in on the millionth rendition of the “One of These Things Is Not Like The Other” singalong (Hint: It will always be you) or repeatedly avoid the clumsy baker tumbling down the stairs while carrying today’s number of pies, your path will be one of wonder, connection, and the unexpected—a true testament to the magic of creative imagination. And perhaps, just perhaps, you might discover that in a world of Muppets, anything is possible, even acceptance and love.

If you live long enough (and knock on wood that you do), you come to discover that bizarre things can and will befall you in your normal workaday life. And because we all know that supernatural entities exist (how else do you explain the existence of the Ghostbusters?), one of the most bizarre and dangerous phenomena is the possession of inanimate objects, particularly cars. So, what do you do when your reliable car becomes possessed by a supernatural entity and falls in love with you? Now, before you slip into your own private mechanophilia fantasy (hey, I don’t kink shame), let me point out that the situation can and will escalate into a horror tale of jealousy, rage, and violence. Luckily, you know me, and I know the inherent dangers to your spouse, family, and friends, and, as always, I am the man with the dubious plan on how to keep your loved ones safe and return things to normal.

Telltale Signs Your Car is Possessed

1. Unexplained Movements
   Starting and Stopping on Its Own: The car may start or stop without anyone at the controls.
   Self-Driving Behavior: Steering, accelerating, or braking occurs without any human input, as if driven by an unseen force.
2. Emotional Reactions
   Affectionate Gestures: It may respond warmly to your presence, such as turning on the radio to your favorite station when you approach.
3. Anomalous Sounds and Voices
   Whispers or Voices: Muffled voices, whispers, or even clear speech may be heard coming from the car’s speakers or within the vehicle itself, even when the car is turned off.
   Unexplained Noises: Creaks, groans, or other mysterious sounds may be heard, especially when the car is alone.
4. Electrical Malfunctions
   Flickering Lights: Headlights, dashboard lights, or interior lights may flicker or flash without reason.
   Erratic Electronics: Radio stations changing on their own, windows rolling up or down, or other electronic systems behaving erratically.
5. Disturbing Appearance Changes
   Changes in Color or Texture: The car’s paint may change color, or the texture of materials inside the car may alter inexplicably.
   Unexplained Damage: Scratches, dents, or other damage may appear without cause, often in patterns or symbols.
6. Unusual Sensations
   Cold or Hot Spots: Certain areas of the car may become unusually cold or hot without explanation.
   Feelings of Being Watched: A strong sensation that you’re being observed or that the car has a presence or consciousness.
7. Abnormal Reactions to Religious or Magical Symbols
   Avoidance or Attraction: The car may react strongly to specific symbols, either avoiding them or being drawn to them.
   Physical Disturbances: Placing a religious or magical symbol in or on the car may cause physical reactions like shaking or revving.

The Dangers To Your Spouse, Family and Friends

• Jealousy-Fueled Attacks: The car may perceive your spouse as a rival and attempt to harm them through road accidents or direct hit-and-run attacks within the home.
• Psychological Trauma: Living under the constant threat of a jealous car can cause immense stress and anxiety for your spouse.
• Unpredictable Behavior: The car’s jealousy may extend to anyone close to you, leading to unexpected victims being wrapped around the axle of your car and dangerous actions such as carbon monoxide poisoning within the domicile.
• Damaged Relationships: The fear and tension can strain relationships with loved ones, as they may feel targeted or unsafe around not only the car, but you as well.

The obvious ways of protecting your loved ones are:

• Avoid Vehicular Interaction: Keep your family and friends as far away from the car as possible, especially when the automobile is showing signs of jealousy.
• Implement Safety Measures: Consider installing security systems or barriers to keep the car contained, but keep in mind that this is only a temporary solution. If the car wants out, the car is going to get out.

But there are some unconventional methods you might consider, as well:

• Spiritual Practices and Rituals: Perform protective rituals and engage spiritual experts to conduct rituals that create a spiritual shield around your home and loved ones. Place the appropriate religious or magical symbols around the home and on family members’ possessions, such as jewelry or talismans, to ward off the entity. Also, work with a spiritual practitioner to craft amulets imbued with protective energy specific to each family member. And don’t be afraid to utilize known protective charms such as certain crystals, herbs, or symbols, and keep them nearby.
• Emergency Planning: I cannot stress creating emergency protocols strongly enough. Develop clear and concise emergency plans, including escape routes and safe places, in case your car’s behavior becomes violent. And educate family members, ensuring that everyone understands the emergency plans and knows what to do in various scenarios.

Now that you’ve sorted your family’s safety out, it’s time to focus on your possessed and obsessive car:

Make A Heartfelt Connection And Understand Your Car’s Love

Feelings are feelings and who’s to say that so-called inanimate objects can’t have emotions? Your car may genuinely love you and now, through paranormal possession, it finally has the ability to make those feelings known. That, or it could just be a spirit who has the serious horn for you (I mean, look at you, you’re gorgeous). In either case, try to open up a line of communication, either verbally or spiritually, and make an honest attempt to comprehend the entity’s emotions. Have a chat with your car, the way you might talk to a child with a puppy love crush, and uncover its motivations and history. By embracing your car’s perspective, you can begin to address its feelings and desires.

Taming Jealousy: Calming the Possessed Car’s Rage

• Empathize with Its Feelings: Try to empathize with its feelings of affection, love, and protectiveness toward you. Express your understanding of its feelings and your willingness to negotiate.
• Identify the Triggers: Determine what specific actions or people trigger the jealousy to understand what needs to be addressed.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly define what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, so your car knows what to expect.
• Show Respect: Acknowledge your car’s presence and its connection to you, showing respect for its feelings and existence.
• Build Trust: Create a relationship based on trust by honoring agreements and showing consistency in your actions.
• Negotiate a Truce: Work with your car to find a compromise that respects its feelings without endangering your loved ones.
• Offer Alternatives: Suggest alternatives that allow your car to express its affection without harming others.
• Employ Healing Rituals: Engage in rituals that promote healing and calm, guided by a spiritual expert or supernatural specialist.
• Use Protective Symbols: Display or carry symbols that are known to foster peace, love, and harmony, which may influence the entity’s behavior.
• Regular Check-ins: Maintain an ongoing dialogue with the entity, assessing how the arrangements are working and making necessary adjustments.
• Involve Loved Ones: Keep family and friends informed and involved, ensuring their feelings and safety are considered.

And now that you’ve managed to open a line of communication with your car, it’s time to:

Exorcize The Bastard Entity That Has Taken Up Residence Inside Your Car

• Assess the Situation By Identifying the Entity: Determine the nature of the entity, whether it’s a spirit, demon, or other supernatural being, to tailor the exorcism approach.
• Seek Professional Help By Consulting With Spiritual Experts: Engage professionals with experience in exorcism, such as priests, shamans, or paranormal investigators, to guide or perform the process. And acquire specific tools, symbols, or substances required for the exorcism, as advised by the expert.
• Cleanse and Purify The Car: Perform cleansing rituals using substances like holy water, sage, or salt to purify the car’s environment.
• Create a Sacred Space: Set up a perimeter around the car using protective symbols or materials to contain the entity during the exorcism.
• Conduct the Exorcism Ritual by Beginning with Prayer or Invocation: Start with prayers or invocations to call upon higher powers or protective forces for assistance.
• Command the Entity to Leave: Firmly but respectfully demand that the entity leave the car, using specific phrases or chants as guided by the expert.
• Utilize Specialized Techniques: Employ specific techniques, rituals, or objects that are effective against the particular entity, such as religious texts or relics.
• Monitor Reactions: Pay close attention to the car’s reactions and the entity’s behavior, adjusting the approach as needed.
• Seal and Protect the Car: After the entity has been expelled, perform rituals or use materials to seal the car, preventing re-entry.
• Implement Ongoing Protection: Consider ongoing protective measures, such as regularly blessing the car or keeping protective symbols inside it.
• Monitor the Car: Keep a close watch on the car for signs of residual activity or re-possession, ready to seek professional help if needed.

And the most important step:

• Trade the Car in for a New Nonpossessed Model: Because…why take chances, right?

In the twisted highways of life, a possessed car fueled by jealous love is undoubtedly a road less traveled, yet the road map provided by yours truly equips you with the knowledge, tools, and courage to steer through this automotive nightmare. Remember, emotions, even those emanating from metal and rubber, are complex and deserve understanding. Compassion, firmness, spiritual wisdom, and yes, perhaps a new set of wheels, are your keys to emerging unscathed.

So the next time you find your car serenading you with love songs or glaring at your spouse through its headlights, know that you have my dubious plan to put things right. Drive safe, keep your heart’s gearshift in neutral, and may your journeys be free of spectral hitchhikers.

Sometimes you run off at the mouth and unintentionally offend someone in the process, but what if that someone happens to be Lisbeth Salander? Facing the fierce and enigmatic Girl With The Dragon Tattoo can be a harrowing ordeal. If you’ve inadvertently provoked her wrath and are now in her sights, your survival hinges on a well-thought-out escape plan. As the official man with the bizarre plan, I’ll show you a few possible strategies for evading Lisbeth’s pursuit and safeguarding your life.

1. Assess the Situation: Understand the Why Begin by evaluating the reasons behind Lisbeth’s pursuit. Identify the actions or circumstances that triggered her involvement. This insight will help you tailor your escape plan accordingly.

2. Lay Low: Disappear from Her Radar Aim to vanish from her surveillance. Leave your usual haunts and routines behind. Disable location tracking on your devices and refrain from using social media platforms. The goal is to disrupt any digital trace that she might follow.

3. Fortify Your Identity: Protect Your Digital Footprint Review and update your online accounts’ security settings. Change passwords, enable two-factor authentication, and limit personal information exposure. The less digital information available, the harder it is for her to track you.

4. Blend In: Dress Discreetly Opt for clothing that allows you to blend into a crowd. Avoid flashy or attention-grabbing attire. Subtle appearances decrease the chances of you catching her eye.

5. Disconnect: Minimize Digital Interaction Reduce your reliance on digital devices. Use public computers sparingly for essential tasks, and limit your online communication to minimize the chances of detection.

6. Allies: Seek Trustworthy Companions Identify friends or contacts who can offer support. Trustworthy allies can provide refuge, resources, and vital information that can aid your escape.

7. Safe Houses: Establish Secure Havens Set up safe houses at discreet locations. These should be known only to a select few individuals you can trust implicitly. Safe houses provide temporary refuge and shelter.

8. Evade Surveillance: Stay One Step Ahead Keep a watchful eye on your surroundings. Be aware of any suspicious activities or unfamiliar faces. Employ counter-surveillance techniques to detect if you’re being followed.

9. Break Patterns: Avoid Predictability Change your daily routines and habits. Vary your routes, timing, and activities to thwart any attempts to predict your movements.

10. Study Her Methods: Understand Her Tactics Research Lisbeth’s past actions to gain insights into her methods. Understanding how she operates can help you anticipate her moves and outmaneuver her.

11. Trust Sparingly: Guard Your Secrets Limit the number of people who know your plans. Trust only those who have proven their loyalty. Loose lips can jeopardize your escape.

12. Decoys and Misdirection: Distract Her Attention Employ decoys and false leads to divert her focus and resources away from your true location. Misdirection can buy you valuable time.

13. Resource Acquisition: Gather Necessities Collect essential items such as cash, identification, clothing, and emergency supplies before you go off the grid. Being prepared can ensure a smoother escape.

14. Multiple Exit Strategies: Plan for Flexibility Map out various escape routes and methods. Having multiple options gives you the flexibility to adjust your plans based on changing circumstances.

15. Self-Defense: Be Prepared to Protect Yourself While evading conflict is ideal, be ready to defend yourself if cornered. Carry non-lethal self-defense tools and know how to use them effectively.

16. Limited Communication: Encrypted Channels If you need to communicate, do so through encrypted channels with a select few individuals. Reveal minimal details to avoid compromising your safety.

17. Continuous Adaptation: Stay Ahead of Her Regularly reassess your situation and adapt your plans accordingly. Vigilance and flexibility are key to staying ahead in this high-stakes game.

18. Legal Safeguards: Seek Professional Assistance If your actions were just and you can prove your innocence, consider seeking legal assistance to clear misunderstandings and prevent further harm.

Surviving the relentless pursuit of Lisbeth Salander requires meticulous planning, unyielding determination, and a willingness to adapt. Your escape hinges on your ability to outsmart her, anticipate her moves, and stay several steps ahead in the intricate dance of evasion. With careful preparation and a resilient spirit, you can navigate this perilous journey and secure your freedom from her determined pursuit.

Imagine a scenario where extraterrestrials arrive on Earth, asserting themselves as Supreme Deities. This hypothetical situation presents unprecedented challenges and ethical dilemmas. As the man with the dubious plan, I will be your guide into the considerations and actions that the entire planet should contemplate if faced with such a profound encounter.

1. Approach with Caution: As humanity, the paramount response is cautious curiosity. Engage in a dialogue while also acknowledging the need to verify their claims.

2. Seek Expert Insight: Consult theologians, scientists, and ethicists to analyze the situation from various perspectives.

3. Preserve Autonomy: Humanity’s sovereignty remains crucial. Engage with the extraterrestrials while safeguarding our own autonomy.

4. Verify Claims: Demand evidence to substantiate their assertion as Supreme Deities.

5. Engage in Ethical Discussions: Convene global dialogues to explore the implications of their claim on faith, philosophy, and morality.

6. Establish Boundaries: Set boundaries regarding interactions and their potential influence on our way of life.

7. Promote Cultural Exchange: Share our unique history, beliefs, and values while learning about their civilization.

8. Foster Mutual Understanding: Facilitate language and cultural understanding to enhance meaningful exchanges.

9. Collaborate for Peace: Work toward peaceful coexistence while addressing potential conflicts.

10. Preserve Human Values: While engaging with the extraterrestrials, ensure the preservation of our core human values.

11. Maintain Skepticism: Maintain a critical mindset while assessing their claims and intentions.

12. Ethical and Moral Scrutiny: Evaluate the extraterrestrials’ teachings against universal principles of ethics and morality.

13. Scientific Scrutiny: Employ scientific methods to investigate their technology and origins.

14. Encourage Transparency: Urge the extraterrestrials to be transparent about their intentions and technology.

15. Prepare for Unforeseen Outcomes: Anticipate the potential societal, cultural, and psychological shifts.

16. Collaborate with Global Authorities: Governments, international organizations, and scholars should work collectively to ensure a coherent response.

17. Respect Diversity: Embrace the diversity of human perspectives while navigating this monumental event.

18. Preserve Humanity’s Essence: Above all, ensure that interactions with extraterrestrial beings align with the core essence of humanity.

In this unprecedented scenario, humanity’s approach should be one of curiosity, caution, and ethical consideration. Balancing skepticism with open-mindedness, while preserving our values and autonomy, will be paramount. Such an encounter would not only test our beliefs and knowledge but also provide an opportunity to unite as a species and redefine our place in the cosmos.