Let’s face it: life in the Star Trek universe is pretty sweet. You get to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. However, there’s one small problem: you’re wearing a red shirt. And as any self-respecting Trekkie knows, red shirts have a habit of meeting untimely ends. But don’t worry, we’ve got your back. In this handy survival guide, we’ll teach you how to navigate the perils of the final frontier and ensure that you make it back to the Enterprise in one piece.

Rule 1: Avoid Away Missions

Away missions are the bread and butter of Star Trek, but they’re also a death sentence for red shirts. As a security officer or low-ranking engineer, your job is to protect the main cast and fix things when they break. Unfortunately, this often means putting yourself in harm’s way.

Pro tip: If you get assigned to an away mission, try to come down with a sudden case of Andorian flu. Sure, you’ll have to spend a few days in sickbay, but at least you’ll be alive.

Rule 2: Stay Away from the Main Cast

On the off chance that you do find yourself on an away mission, steer clear of the main cast. They’re magnets for trouble, and their survival rate is suspiciously high. Coincidence? We think not.

• Kirk: If he’s flirting with an alien, chances are there’s trouble brewing.
• Spock: His Vulcan logic is a beacon for danger.
• McCoy: If he’s arguing with Spock, you’re definitely in the wrong place.
• Scotty: He’s always fixing something, which means something’s about to blow up.

Rule 3: Master the Art of Self-Preservation

If you want to survive, you need to be smart, resourceful, and always one step ahead. Here are a few tips to help you stay alive:

• Know your environment: Whether it’s a desolate planet or a derelict spaceship, always be aware of your surroundings. Watch out for suspicious alien plants, traps, or any signs of imminent danger.
• Stay armed: Phaser? Check. Backup phaser? Check. Phaser-proof vest? Double check. You can never be too prepared.
• Learn to fight: Hand-to-hand combat is a must. Take some lessons from Sulu or Worf and learn how to kick some alien butt.

Rule 4: Make Friends in High Places

It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Try to make friends with key members of the crew. You never know when they might be able to pull some strings and save your life.

• Uhura: She’s got the comms on lock, so she can warn you about incoming danger.
• Data: He’s an android, which means he can calculate your odds of survival in milliseconds.
• Janeway: If she can get her crew through the Delta Quadrant, she can surely keep you alive.

Rule 5: Embrace Your Inner Cynic

When all else fails, just remember: you’re wearing a red shirt in the Star Trek universe. The odds are stacked against you. But hey, at least you’re not wearing a gold shirt in the Game of Thrones universe. That would be truly unfortunate.

So there you have it, the ultimate Star Trek survival guide for red shirts. Follow these simple rules, and you just might live long enough to get a promotion. Or better yet, a transfer to another department with a more favorable dress code.

Rule 6: Diversify Your Skill Set

Let’s face it: the more skills you have, the more valuable you are to the crew. Why not take up a new hobby or learn a new skill that could come in handy on an away mission?

• Medical training: Knowing how to perform basic first aid could save your life (or someone else’s).
• Engineering know-how: If you can fix a warp core breach, you’re definitely a keeper.
• Diplomacy: Learn how to negotiate with hostile aliens, and you might just avoid a nasty confrontation.

Rule 7: Keep a Low Profile

When danger strikes, it’s usually the loudest and most visible red shirts who find themselves in the line of fire. So, keep your head down, avoid making any bold statements, and try to blend in with your surroundings. Being a wallflower has never been so advantageous.

Rule 8: Develop a Sense of Humor

The Star Trek universe can be a terrifying place, but a good sense of humor can go a long way in keeping you sane (and alive). After all, laughter is the best medicine, right? So learn to crack a few jokes, even when things look grim. It might just be the key to staying in one piece.

Being a red shirt in the Star Trek universe doesn’t have to be a death sentence. Follow these rules, and you’ll increase your odds of survival exponentially. Sure, life on the final frontier can be unpredictable, but with a little wit, sarcasm, and a healthy dose of caution, you can boldly go where no red shirt has gone before: retirement.