Chances are you’re no saint. That’s not meant to be a slight against you, just a simple statistical fact. During the course of your (hopefully long) life, there’s a good chance that you have been envious, coveted, succumbed to substances that impaired your judgment, dabbled in dishonesty and unfaithfulness, and committed other acts that have denied your admittance into the pearly gated community.

But you didn’t commit murder, which may seem a small consolation as your little tootsies turn into charcoal briquettes whilst standing in the fiery pits, but it may signal that all is not lost. If nothing else, hopefully, I have established myself over the past few weeks as the man with the dubious plan for nearly every scenario, and I am going to reveal to you the secret of moving on up in the afterlife to that deluxe apartment in the sky. It all begins with:

Self-Reflection: Embracing the Awkward Silence Within: So, here you are, the sands of your hourglass have run out, your timecard has been punched for the final time, and you find yourself smack dab in the middle of a cosmic game of “Truth or Eternal Consequences.” Could you dive headlong into a pit of despair? Sure, that’s the easy road. Instead, why not take the time (you’ve got plenty of it now, kiddo) to channel your inner philosopher and have a heart-to-heart with your conscience? If it helps, try to imagine your former life as a reality TV show where your past misdeeds are the embarrassing outtakes – it’s a cringe-worthy marathon, but I promise you, it’s worth the watch.

Understanding Divine Justice: Where Bingo Meets Karma: The next step in the process is the Hall of Justice (get that Superfriends hideout image out of your head right this instance), which is the equivalent of a divine bingo hall/carnival where each misstep you’ve taken in life becomes a numbered ball. The stakes are high, and you’re the player. But instead of shouting “Bingo!” you’re shouting, “I’ve learned my lesson!” Get ready to dab your way into the hearts of cosmic judges.

With your Judgment Bingo Card in hand, you look around for the tombola and the bingo caller, but instead, you’re taken on a roller coaster. As you loop and swirl, your aim is to collect numbered balls as you whiz past the underworld’s sinful attractions. The goal? Fill your bingo card with all the required less-than-righteous past actions and reach the “I’ve learned my lesson” goal before the ride ends. Remember, shouting “I’ve learned my lesson” at the top of your lungs is not only allowed but encouraged.

You will then be ejected from the roller coaster and catapulted into the demi-celestial courtroom, where the physical embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins serves as the jury, and the rabbit-hole taboos that you’ve accidentally fallen into on the internet are the bailiffs. Your deeds are presented on the mother of all flatscreens, complete with dramatic background music composed by demonic DJs. It’s here that you’ll present your opening statement. Do your damnedest (pun intended) to present your case with flair, but don’t forget to add a heaping helping of pathos into the mix. You know you’re on the right track if the jury and baliffs pass the tissue box around as you share your remorseful monologue filled with heartfelt apologies (and yes, they must be heartfelt).

Building a Case for Redemption: Crafting Your Heavenly Elevator Pitch: Let’s face facts, this is no different from a co-op interview, with you being the candidate who wants to live in the penthouse section of the building. But in order to be approved as an eternal salvation shareholder, your presentation has to be on point, depicting your upward trajectory from miscreant to model citizen. Collect all the good you’ve, even the tiny things, and polish those turds under they shine like gold.

The Power of Atonement: Good Deeds, Charity, and the Ultimate Yard Sale: Then you need to get ready for the grandest yard sale creation has ever seen. Swap your ill-gotten gains for genuine acts of kindness. Exchange your trinkets of misdeeds for treasures of benevolence. Bonus points if you convince a devil to buy a “slightly singed” pitchfork (I know you have one stashed away somewhere. We all do).

Communicating with Divine Entities: Divine Texting and Cosmic Emojis: Next step? Up your astral projection game as you slide into celestial DMs. Use a divine emoji to convey your apologies – a teary-eyed Lucifer, a repentant Cain, or even an apologetic politician. Remember, even divine beings appreciate modern communication tactics.

Accepting Judgment with Grace: The Cosmic Dance of Destiny: Imagine a grand ballroom where you’re invited to the dance of eternity. As the music plays, gracefully accept your verdict. If the decision is in your favor, you’ll do the moonwalk of joy. If not, perform the sprinkler dance of resilience. Remember, it’s all about the cosmic choreography.

Plus, you can always file for an appeal and take another crack at it. Practice makes perfect.