Once you’ve gotten the giggles out of your system, I’d like to address a serious matter that the French call cul de loup-garou, which is a surprisingly common affliction suffered by millions across the globe. It is also known as devil dog derriere, canine keester, howling heinie, and rumpwolf, but I run a classy joint and will simply refer to it by its medical name: Posterior Lycanthropy.

For those of you living under a mundane, non-supernatural rock, allow me to paint the picture of how you—yes, you—could fall victim to this unfortunate wretchedness. You’re out on a stroll one lovely evening, the moon is full and high in the starlit sky when you come across a person doubled over in pain, and being the empathetic person I know you to be, you rush over to offer assistance. However, upon closer inspection, you notice that the person seems to be deformed. It takes you a moment to realize that they are in mid-transformation, and as your flight instinct kicks in, they bite your cheek. Not a full-on chomp that rends flesh, just a nip. But before they can attack again, an Argent (a member of a family of werewolf hunters) comes to your rescue and dispatches the poor wee beastie with a weapon made of silver. The Argent asks if you’ve been bitten, and you lie and say no.

Congratulations! You have just joined the ranks of the posterior lycanthropes!

But why is only one part of your body affected by the lycanthropy? While I am no expert in the matter (shocking, I know), my best pseudo-scientific guess is that since the lycanthrope hadn’t completed their transformation and the attack was just a slight breaking of the skin, the werewolf curse transference was cut off mid-stream localizing the effect in your tushy. In layman’s terms: your ass is a werewolf.

Now, should you find yourself with the peculiar circumstance of your caboose turning into a werewolf under the moon’s glow, fear not. You are in the presence of the man with the dubious plan, and I will help you navigate the challenges of managing a lycanthropic booty.

1. Embracing the Unusual: Acceptance and Adaptation: The first step is acknowledging the bizarre situation. Embrace the uniqueness of your experience and adopt an open-minded perspective to navigate this unexpected transformation.
2. Timing Matters: Moon Phases and Lunar Schedules: Like any werewolf, your condition likely depends on lunar cycles. Keep track of moon phases to anticipate your transformations, helping you plan and take precautions.
3. Choosing the Right Wardrobe: Fashioning Lycanthropic Attire: Adjusting your clothing is crucial. Opt for attire that accommodates your unique transformation, ensuring comfort and preventing awkward situations during moonlit hours. Drop seat pajamas and back zippers will become your best friend.
4. Managing Social Situations: Explaining the Unexplainable: Eventually, you might find yourself in social settings during your moon-induced changes. Prepare explanations and witty responses for questions to maintain a light-hearted atmosphere.
5. Practical Precautions: Minimizing Incidents and Mishaps: While your situation may seem humorous to some, practicality is key. Implement safety measures to prevent accidental exposure or discomfort during your lunar transformations. And warn imbecilic animal lovers not to pet your werewolf head, as the wolf is hungry and has developed a taste for the arms of morons. Also, remind them they’re essentially petting your butt, which can be interpreted as rude in non-amorous congress settings.
6. Seeking Advice from the Supernatural: Consulting the Experts: Connect with the supernatural community for guidance. Join a posterior lycanthropy support group and seek advice from werewolves or supernatural beings who might have insight into managing inconvenient and embarrassing transformations.
7. Embracing the Uniqueness: Celebrating Your One-of-a-Kind Tale: Embrace the humorous side of your condition. Share your story with friends and loved ones, turning your peculiar transformation into a humorous anecdote that showcases your resilience and creativity.

But what if you’re not interested in accepting your fate as a hinderwulfen? The desire to find a cure is completely understandable, and here is a range of potential solutions to explore:

1. Consulting Magical Experts: Seeking Guidance from the Supernatural: Connect with mystical beings and creatures who might possess insights into reversing transformations. Witches, wizards, and supernatural creatures could offer remedies rooted in their otherworldly knowledge.
2. Lunar Herbalism: Exploring Lunar-Related Remedies: Since the moon plays a role in your transformation, consider lunar herbalism. Seek out herbs and plants associated with the moon’s energy that might help control or reverse the condition.
3. Alchemy and Elixirs: Crafting Transformative Potions: The world of alchemy is filled with possibilities. Experiment with creating elixirs that are tailored to your specific transformation, drawing inspiration from mythical texts and legends.
4. Enlisting the Aid of Cursed Objects: Seeking Miraculous Artifacts: Legends often speak of cursed objects with powers to both bestow and lift curses. Investigate these artifacts in your quest for a cure, with caution and a sense of adventure.
5. Challenging Riddles and Quests: Proving Your Worth: Mythology is rife with stories of challenges and quests to lift curses. Embrace your situation as a unique quest and seek out the riddles or challenges that could lead to your redemption.
6. Harnessing Celestial Alignment: Aligning with Cosmic Forces: Celestial events hold power in various myths. Seek alignment with cosmic forces during specific astronomical events that might hold the key to reversing your condition.
7. Exploring Interdimensional Solutions: Crossing Boundaries for Answers: Consider crossing into other dimensions or realms, as they might offer unconventional solutions that lie beyond the confines of the earthly realm.

The perplexing and unexpected world of posterior lycanthropy has been laid bare before you. Whether you choose to embrace your condition with humor, take practical precautions, or embark on a quest for a cure that is as unconventional as the affliction itself, know that you are capable of facing the challenges head-on—or, in this case, cheek-on.

And who knows, maybe in the process of managing your wolfy buns, you’ll uncover truths about yourself and the world that go beyond the confines of the mundane. After all, life’s twists and turns, even those as unique as a carnivorous fanny, have a way of teaching us that the human experience is as diverse as the moonlit night itself.