I interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday with a bit of shocking news hailing from a fellow poster who owns a bloggy bedsit over at Life The Universe And Lani. There I was, minding my own business, reading a post on how an untraveled person such as myself could make my life more Thai without leaving the comfort of The States, and enjoying the read, as I often do, when I stumbled upon her directive to “ice your beer.”
That’s right, you heard me: Ice. Your. Beer.
Words failed me at the wrongness of this. In fact, it was replete with wrongiosity. I told her nothing should be placed in beer except beery goodness, and I was prepared to let it go at that, but something kept nagging at me. Now that I lived with the knowledge that there were beer barbarities happening all over the world, how could I, in good conscience, stand by and do nothing?
That is why I am announcing the start of my new organization and entreat you to read the mission statement and support my noble cause:
Drunkards for the Ethical Treatment of Hops and Malted Barley, better known as DeTHMB (okay, clearly I haven’t quite worked out the acronym thing yet, but there are bigger issues at stake here, so focus!) is the largest beer rights organization in the world, with more than 0 members and supporters (one person strong and growing… hopefully).
DeTHMB focuses its attention on eliminating the atrocities committed against beer on a daily basis, such as:
- Cruel ice cubing (use chilled soap stones, if you must… only if you must!)
- Purposeful skunkification
- Mixing with fruit or vegetable juices (what the hell is a BeerMato???)
- Mixing with other alcoholic beverages like vodka (U-Boot), Jägermeister (in beer: Jägerbomb, in Guinness: an Irish Car Bomb). A good beer stands on its own merit.
- Sipping beer through a straw. It does not get you drunk faster and robs the beverage of its subtle dignity (as do beer-hats. Just stop it, already!)
We also work on a variety of other issues, including the cruel harvesting of wheat, barley, and hops as well as inhumane saccharification of starch and and unlawful fermentation of sugar.
DeTHMB works through public suds education, brewery cruelty investigations, ale research, cider rescue, lager legislation, special drinking events, celebrity barley pop involvement, and stout protest campaigns.
And we need your support, so…
Sally forth and be popping a cold one and signing the petitioningly writeful.
©2014 Rhyan Scorpio-Rhys
NEXT: The Declaration of Bacon-Dependence
It’s actually not that bad, once you get used to it. *ducks flying beer bottle* It’s only light beer!!! Which, if you think about it, is not really beer at all!!!!
Then I guess I can’t count on your signature, eh?
Fly ducks, fly freely and without ice, my brewy brethren!