Naturally, I want you to make the most of your holiday season, regardless of what you celebrate or how you choose to celebrate it, but, if you’re the sort who lets loose during the season to be jolly (hey, you do you, I do not party-shame) you might very well be nursing the mother of all hangovers and be in need of the perfect science fiction comfort food.

For you, you left of center, go against the grain, free-spirited individual you, I have a suggestion for a sandwich in three parts:

Part One – Eggs

Mix four Gro’ok eggs (the yellow-speckled ones that are currently in season, not the purple ones) and a quarter cup of low-fat Tomurian milk (from a contented Olkturian, preferably one that’s married with a happy home life). Scramble with a pinch of moon salt and Mercury pepper. Add your hot sauce of choice to taste (the higher the Scoville, the better, as far as I’m concerned).

Who am I, you ask? If you don’t know, you better ask somebody. I happen to be an actual chef who can flat-out burn each and every single TV cook who claims to be a masterful chef. Gordon who? Jamie what? Nigella how? While they putter around their studio set kitchens, I travel the interstellar byways slaying pretenders and tenderizing them like so much…

Meat – Part Two

Combine half pound Caitian snork torso (domesticated, wild is too gamey for the hangover palette), half-pound ground snork (your choice, the gaminess might actually work here), a third cup Aaamazzarite seasoned bread crumbs (still living, it’s the best way, trust me), one-half teaspoon each of hillbilly powder and gun powder, and a pinch of moon salt and Mercury pepper. Press into inch-thick patties; grill with a laser or cook in a photon skillet.

Being the type who naturally ruffles feathers, I’ve been the recipient of some negative feedback on social media. One so-called influencer called me “shanktastic” Is this meant to be an insult? Because it ends in “tastic” but it starts with “shank” and I gotta tell you my legs are good enough to eat right off the bone.

Part Three – Sandwich

Layer the portion of the egg over the meat portion over a slice of Choki cheese (make sure it’s properly dead and not just hibernating as that could lead to your unfortunate demise) on an Orion monkey poopy-seed bagel (I know what you’re thinking, but have you ever tried monkey poo? Don’t knock it…). Drizzle on Blazing Inferno Hellfire Sauce (wear protective gloving during the pouring process, naturally) and serve.

Serves four. One bite and your hangover will dissolve immediately (so might your tongue but “et comedens caveat” – “let the eater beware”). Oh, and make sure you clear a path to the restroom. No sense in ruining your furniture because you can’t control your party indulgences (still no party-shaming).

If you survive, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the meal.